In this session, we will take some time to think about
how to navigate the various difficulties, crises, and problematic situations
that may arise within our families
(Professor Chae Kyung-sun’s “What Is Family?”)
Hello
I am Chae Kyung-sun from the Family Counseling Department at Sung San Hyo Graduate School
There is a family drama called 'Our Blues' presented in an Omniverse format
It portrays various types of families
including sibling stories, friendships
and even a family
with a child who has developmental disabilities
One story focuses on sisters Yeong-ok and Yeong-hee
After their parents die in an accident
Yeong-ok is left responsible for her sister Yeong-hee, who has Down syndrome
Despite her frequent desire to abandon or end her relationship with her
Yeong-ok always keeps her sister close to her heart
The two sisters grow up in an orphanage and later stay in a group home
but as the burden becomes too heavy, Yeong-ok eventually sends Yeong-hee in a care facility
Yeong-ok goes to Jeju Island to work, making a living by diving
and sending money to the facility
One day, due to unavoidable circumstances, Yeong-hee comes to where Yeong-ok is staying
They go out together for a family meal at a restaurant
but an incident occurs when a child at a nearby table mocks Yeong-hee’s disability
and a big argument breaks out
Filled with anger, Yeong-ok takes Yeong-hee back home
Then, Yeong-ok finally voices the thoughts she’s kept in her heart
"I feel wronged. Why did I have to have a sister like her? My life feels so unfair"
"Why did my parents leave her behind for me who isn't even nice, to take care of? It feels so unfair"
"But if I feel this way, imagine how unfair life must feel for Yeong-hee"
"who was born like this" is what she says
In life, we often encounter hardships
facing crises we couldn’t have anticipated
In family relationships, sometimes we raise our voices
or find ourselves separated
isolated, or even cut off from one another
In such times
we may find ourselves thinking, "How tough and challenging must life have become?"
"How desolate and hardened must my heart have become?"
Humans, when deprived of security
act out instinctively to protect and defend their lives
When we say we act on instinct, it means that our animalistic brain takes over
Although humans have a rational brain
we also have an instinctive, reactive brain
one that we say responds unconsciously
often referred to as the "reptilian brain"
This reptilian brain was actually embedded in us by God at birth
Why?
It was a 'brain' that was given to us in order to help us survive
The three responses of this brain can be observed in how a snake reacts to external stimuli
When a snake feels threatened, it exhibits certain behaviors. Do you know what they are?
These behaviors are called the "3 F"s
The snake releases venom
The first is fighting when the snake releases venom or attacks
The second is fleeing
If a threat approaches, the snake escapes so we say thing is taking flight
Lastly, the snake freezes
acting as if it is dead
paralyzed in a threatening situation, we say they become frozen
So, we see three responses: fighting, fleeing, and freezing
When family members around us suddenly lash out, raise their voices
or flee from situations
we can think, "Ah, their reptilian, animal brain is reacting"
It indicates they feel life is tough and that they are in a war zone, under threat
We can see this as a primal response to a situation with a lack of safety
They're experiencing life as a battlefield
This is where empathy and compassion become essential
So what can we do?
First, we should create a small space
As we mentioned earlier
our brain doesn’t consist solely of the reptilian brain
In order for us to thrive, multiply, and fill the earth
God has given us a 'human brain'
The human brain,
develops, grows, and progresses over time
When we are born, we only have the reptilian brain that ensures survival
But as we grow and develop, the human brain opens
creating pathways of wisdom and understanding within our brain
We must create the pathways witin our brains
How will we be able to open and cultivate these pathways of the human brain?
When we feel angry, paralyzed, or reactive
we must try creating a space within our life, our minds
If we think about it, we realize we often cling to negative memories
Of the many childhood memories that we hold
despite having happy, pleasant memories from our childhood
we tend to recall the painful, dangerous, anxious, and fearful moments most vividly
Why is that?
Why do the negative memories remain more vivid than the positive ones?
It’s tied to our survival instinct as humans
We remember danger instinctively in order to survive
To prepare for another dangerous situation that might occur, we think, "You must remember this situation"
"It’s essential for your survival"
In this dangerous situation, we must know how to prepare
which is why it is telling us, "remember, remember, remember"
So, even if we are not trying to remember
we naturally are wired to recall negative memories for survival
Then, if we are just left alone,
we will be more inclined to remember
threatening and negative experiences
However, we have a greater mission to thrive, multiply, and fill the earth
So, we must practice and train ourselves
Good memories don’t just stay themselves
We need to practice and train ourselves to hold onto them
Once we create a small mental space, we can use it to let things out
Returning to the drama 'Our Blues'
in the end, Yeong-hee goes back to the facility
On the day she returns, feeling saddened
she decorates her room with drawings
Capturing the faces of village elders
she expressed her loneliness every day through these pictures
Later, Yeong-ok asks her, "How did you become so good at drawing?"
Yeong-hee replies, "Whenever I missed you or felt lonely, I drew"
"Before I knew it, I had drawn this much"
Yeong-ok reflects, "How lonely must she have been, how much must she have missed me"
"for someone like Young-hee to draw like this?"
This is a monologue of Young-ok
My own mother, now over eighty, finds comfort in poetry and art
The year I got married, my mom, my friend and companion, let me go
In her loneliness, she created a book of poems and paintings
She didn’t do it to sell but as if creating another child
she poured her feelings of sadness and loneliness into that book
She continues to paint to this day
The painting shown on the screen
was drawn by my mother on a computer, despite her age being over eighty
On days when she misses her children, worries about them
or feels like crying, she expresses herself through these images
"Weep for yourself and for your children" (Luke 23:28)
Let us weep together, whether through poetry, art, or worship for some
Some may study, or by comforting others, others may make food
and some may clean
to express their love and life stories
These will be our psalms
Practicing love and letting go
being together yet learning to be alone
In the course of this practice, we may face many
difficulties, crises, challenges, failures, and pain
During this time, we should remember
Jesus, too, prayed with tears on the night before carrying the cross
We are recipients of that grace, aren’t we?
In times of hardship, in times of pain, or in times of failure
let us tell ourselves, let us confess to ourselves
"My love is not small. I can endure"
Let’s affirm that the great love given by the Lord is indeed great, not small
Let’s show how vast the grace He gave us truly is
Let’s resolve this within ourselves
Today, I pray for the beloved families that are walking the path that the Lord has set for us
I pray that God's comfort and peace
along with the power He grants daily be with us