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They say "women's language" 
needs a translation

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"Do I look fat?"

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"No" In that language,
(Translation: wants to confirm her beauty)

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you shouldn't answer whether
she has gained weight or nor

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"Are you busy?"

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This translates to "I want to spend time with you"

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"You must like that outfit,
you wear it all the time"

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In women's language, this means 
"I’d like you to try different outfits"

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Even within our family, 
we need "language translation"

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Today, we will learn how to 
|isten to and speak

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in our family’s language through "methods of translation"

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(Professor Chae Kyung-sun’s 
"What Is Family?")

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Good to see you everyone

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I am Professor Chae Kyung-sun 
from the Family Counseling Department 
at Sung San Hyo Graduate School

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Think about the phrases 
you say most often in your family

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Over the course of a week, for instance

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"Did you eat?"

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"Stop playing that game"

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"Why is your room so dirty?"

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"Could you at least put 
your clothes in the washer?"

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Often, the words we say most frequently

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are critical or instructive

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When looking at the four elements 
that damage our relationships

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The first element is criticism

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These statements often include words 
like "always" or "all the time" or "never"

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"What are you planning to do when you 
grow up with you playing games all the time"

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Or, "Why does your room always look like a pigsty?"

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"You never once helped around the house"

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These are forms of critical language 
that can harm relationships

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The second element is defensiveness

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"And what about you?" or

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"Mom, why do you always pick on me?"
shows the element of defensiveness

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The third is contempt

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"Look at your face" or

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"That’s just what I'd expect from you"

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"I'll burn my hand if you even 
keep your promise"

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The fourth is avoidance

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We say that building walls damage our relationships

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Why has our family language 
become so harsh?

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Why has it become like this?

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It may be because we never 
learned how to communicate

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Language is learned

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We often mistakenly believe that 
conversation is done naturally

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But conversation requires 
practice and learning

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Think about a child

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The only way a young child could 
communicate after birth was 
through one thing

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Their language was 'crying'

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Whether the child was hungry, when their 
diaper was wet, cold, or in pain, they cried

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Crying was their only language 
for connecting with the world

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But then, they start to learn

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How do they learn?

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The mom comes and talks to the child

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"Oh, my baby was hungry"

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"Ah, you felt warm, 
so you liked it?" she says

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Through these specific conversations, 
children learn language

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and we see that they gain
more ability to communicate

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Conversation becomes natural 
with familiarity and practice

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By reading body sensations, emotions, 
and facial expressions

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and expressing them specifically,

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our conversations become richer, 
and we can connect with our own feelings

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But if we haven’t had specific 
responses to our emotions

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Similar to how we might express 
all our feelings like we express crying

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we often using anger as 
our only way to show emotions

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When we’re angry, we get mad; 
when we’re hurt, we get mad

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When we miss someone, we get mad; 
when we’re lonely, we get mad

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Why haven’t we learned 
how to express our emotions?

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Also, when we did learn, 
we often learned wrong

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Instead of speaking from within

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we’re more used to acting 
on outside instructions

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For example, we go to the dentist

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At the dentist, it’s natural 
to feel scared or anxious

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The sounds and unfamiliar tools 
can be terrifying

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So, our bodies respond to this

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Fear makes our feet tremble, 
and they might not move

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Our heart races, and we feel 
these emotions. Then the mom says

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"Don’t be nervous; this isn’t scary"

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We’re often told to suppress 
these natural reactions

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But God actually gave us 
these body reactions

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as a miraculous "mechanism" 
to protect us and help us survive

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Nevertheless, we have gotten used to

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suppressing and controlling 
these mechanisms

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We often talk about emotions as 
"negative" or "positive"

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But feelings aren’t about good or bad

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The point of emotions is 
to read the signs within them

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I often say

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that emotions are like traffic lights

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Think about traffic lights 
with red and green signals

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The red light isn’t "good" or "bad,"

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and neither is the green light

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The purpose of a traffic light is 
to understand its message of the light

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What does the red light mean? It means "Stop"

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The green light means, "Go"

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It is saying, "You’re safe to proceed"

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Our emotions aren’t about good or bad

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They reflect unmet needs or 
fulfilled needs within us

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For example

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if you have to spend a whole Saturday
alone on the weekend

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how would you feel?

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Some people say thinking about 
spending the entire Saturday alone

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makes them very happy

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Others say it makes them feel free

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But some people say they feel anxious

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while others feel lonely or sad

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Why is that?

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The reason there are such varied emotions

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is because each person’s needs
in that moment are different

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The person who feels joy 
likely has a need for freedom

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But the one feeling lonely has a need f
or companionship, ending in frustration

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And the one who feels anxious when alone
likely has a need for safety that’s unmet

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So if we look closely at our emotions, 
they’re signals about our needs, desires, 
and expectations

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But instead of connecting with and 
looking into these internal signals

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we’ve grown used to ignoring, suppressing, 
and even being directed to 
disregard our emotions

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distancing ourselves from our feelings 
to follow outside commands

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We often hear things like "Don’t cry," 
or "Don’t be nervous"

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or "Don’t be afraid,"

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or "Don’t feel burdened". Through this

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instead of deeply examining 
our inner feelings

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we become used to 
following outside instructions

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which leads us to ignore and distance 
ourselves from our true selves

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This means we lack time to look within

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making us ignore our inner self and rather

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become accustomed to 
low self-esteem or a negative self-image

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The, what is our family’s true language?

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How should we translate 
the language of our family?

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Marshall Rosenberg, the author of 
'Nonviolent Communication', said,

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"All conversations are either a '
Please' or a 'Thank you'"

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Why did he say that they are all 
"Please" or "Thank you"?

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When we consider the language of 
our emotions and inner self

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as I mentioned before

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if we divide our emotions into 
fulfilled and unfulfilled expectations

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fulfilled expectations are the "Thank you"

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Unfulfilled expectations are a request, 
the "Please"

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Since family relationships are 
loving by nature

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we can practice how to speak difficult, 
hurtful, or challenging things positively

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So let’s first examine 'requests'
within our communication

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A request or plea is not about 
a "good" or "bad" feeling but 
about unmet expectations

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This is where we practice 
speaking positively

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"I have these needs within me"

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"so could you help me with these things?"

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We need to look back on what we need
and express them

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A mom says to her senior in high school 
who’s playing games, "You’ll regret it 
someday!" What’s she really saying?

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She’s saying, "I’m worried because 
you’re in your senior year, 
and exams are coming"

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She’s expressing, "I hope you’ll 
do well on your exams"

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Another example, "If you quit smoking 
like you promised, I’ll eat my hat"

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This actually means, 
"I’m concerned about your health"

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It expresses the hope, 
"I’d love for you to quit smoking"

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In every "Please" request,

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there’s a feeling of 
frustrated expectation

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Discomfort, disappointment, sorrow, or

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sometimes anger, frustration from within

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or sadness all reflect 
an underlying expectation that

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went unfulfilled

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and led to disappointment

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The second language we need 
to translate for our family is 
a very important one: "Thank you"

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This is the language of gratitude

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Because God is love, within Him we can 
learn the language of love for our family

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God accepts us as we are, even in 
our weakness, flaws, and imperfections

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So God’s language is "despite everything"

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When we look at our family within us, 
we find things to be grateful for 
"despite everything"

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One day, some of the counseling students 
shared these stories

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One person shared a painful memory 
from their childhood

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As a child, this person saw their mother 
prepare to take her own life

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due to the overwhelming poverty 
and hardship at home

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They described it as a traumatic memory

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One of the listeners asked,

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"So, did your mother pass away?"

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"No, she didn’t die"

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"But seeing her attempt suicide at a 
young age was very hard for me"

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Then another student responded

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"But your mother didn’t die, right?"

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"Despite her suffering that made her
think of death"

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"she chose to stay. Doesn’t that mean 
she had the strength to endure it for you?"

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"Maybe that shows her love 
was greater than her pain?"

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Even when life is overwhelming 
and we feel like giving up

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despite everything, despite everything

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we have family members who are with us

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enduring through their struggles

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and moving forward despite the hardships

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For that, we should be 
grateful and appreciative

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Let’s remember the language of family

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The language of family is 
"Thank you" for gratitude

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and "Please" for requests that 
connect to our inner emotions

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Let’s say to the family beside us now

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"Thank you"

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"Thank you for being with me. 
Because you are with me, we are  
able to keep moving forward together"