They say "women's language" needs a translation
"Do I look fat?"
"No" In that language, (Translation: wants to confirm her beauty)
you shouldn't answer whether she has gained weight or nor
"Are you busy?"
This translates to "I want to spend time with you"
"You must like that outfit, you wear it all the time"
In women's language, this means "I’d like you to try different outfits"
Even within our family, we need "language translation"
Today, we will learn how to |isten to and speak
in our family’s language through "methods of translation"
(Professor Chae Kyung-sun’s "What Is Family?")
Good to see you everyone
I am Professor Chae Kyung-sun from the Family Counseling Department at Sung San Hyo Graduate School
Think about the phrases you say most often in your family
Over the course of a week, for instance
"Did you eat?"
"Stop playing that game"
"Why is your room so dirty?"
"Could you at least put your clothes in the washer?"
Often, the words we say most frequently
are critical or instructive
When looking at the four elements that damage our relationships
The first element is criticism
These statements often include words like "always" or "all the time" or "never"
"What are you planning to do when you grow up with you playing games all the time"
Or, "Why does your room always look like a pigsty?"
"You never once helped around the house"
These are forms of critical language that can harm relationships
The second element is defensiveness
"And what about you?" or
"Mom, why do you always pick on me?" shows the element of defensiveness
The third is contempt
"Look at your face" or
"That’s just what I'd expect from you"
"I'll burn my hand if you even keep your promise"
The fourth is avoidance
We say that building walls damage our relationships
Why has our family language become so harsh?
Why has it become like this?
It may be because we never learned how to communicate
Language is learned
We often mistakenly believe that conversation is done naturally
But conversation requires practice and learning
Think about a child
The only way a young child could communicate after birth was through one thing
Their language was 'crying'
Whether the child was hungry, when their diaper was wet, cold, or in pain, they cried
Crying was their only language for connecting with the world
But then, they start to learn
How do they learn?
The mom comes and talks to the child
"Oh, my baby was hungry"
"Ah, you felt warm, so you liked it?" she says
Through these specific conversations, children learn language
and we see that they gain more ability to communicate
Conversation becomes natural with familiarity and practice
By reading body sensations, emotions, and facial expressions
and expressing them specifically,
our conversations become richer, and we can connect with our own feelings
But if we haven’t had specific responses to our emotions
Similar to how we might express all our feelings like we express crying
we often using anger as our only way to show emotions
When we’re angry, we get mad; when we’re hurt, we get mad
When we miss someone, we get mad; when we’re lonely, we get mad
Why haven’t we learned how to express our emotions?
Also, when we did learn, we often learned wrong
Instead of speaking from within
we’re more used to acting on outside instructions
For example, we go to the dentist
At the dentist, it’s natural to feel scared or anxious
The sounds and unfamiliar tools can be terrifying
So, our bodies respond to this
Fear makes our feet tremble, and they might not move
Our heart races, and we feel these emotions. Then the mom says
"Don’t be nervous; this isn’t scary"
We’re often told to suppress these natural reactions
But God actually gave us these body reactions
as a miraculous "mechanism" to protect us and help us survive
Nevertheless, we have gotten used to
suppressing and controlling these mechanisms
We often talk about emotions as "negative" or "positive"
But feelings aren’t about good or bad
The point of emotions is to read the signs within them
I often say
that emotions are like traffic lights
Think about traffic lights with red and green signals
The red light isn’t "good" or "bad,"
and neither is the green light
The purpose of a traffic light is to understand its message of the light
What does the red light mean? It means "Stop"
The green light means, "Go"
It is saying, "You’re safe to proceed"
Our emotions aren’t about good or bad
They reflect unmet needs or fulfilled needs within us
For example
if you have to spend a whole Saturday alone on the weekend
how would you feel?
Some people say thinking about spending the entire Saturday alone
makes them very happy
Others say it makes them feel free
But some people say they feel anxious
while others feel lonely or sad
Why is that?
The reason there are such varied emotions
is because each person’s needs in that moment are different
The person who feels joy likely has a need for freedom
But the one feeling lonely has a need f or companionship, ending in frustration
And the one who feels anxious when alone likely has a need for safety that’s unmet
So if we look closely at our emotions, they’re signals about our needs, desires, and expectations
But instead of connecting with and looking into these internal signals
we’ve grown used to ignoring, suppressing, and even being directed to disregard our emotions
distancing ourselves from our feelings to follow outside commands
We often hear things like "Don’t cry," or "Don’t be nervous"
or "Don’t be afraid,"
or "Don’t feel burdened". Through this
instead of deeply examining our inner feelings
we become used to following outside instructions
which leads us to ignore and distance ourselves from our true selves
This means we lack time to look within
making us ignore our inner self and rather
become accustomed to low self-esteem or a negative self-image
The, what is our family’s true language?
How should we translate the language of our family?
Marshall Rosenberg, the author of 'Nonviolent Communication', said,
"All conversations are either a ' Please' or a 'Thank you'"
Why did he say that they are all "Please" or "Thank you"?
When we consider the language of our emotions and inner self
as I mentioned before
if we divide our emotions into fulfilled and unfulfilled expectations
fulfilled expectations are the "Thank you"
Unfulfilled expectations are a request, the "Please"
Since family relationships are loving by nature
we can practice how to speak difficult, hurtful, or challenging things positively
So let’s first examine 'requests' within our communication
A request or plea is not about a "good" or "bad" feeling but about unmet expectations
This is where we practice speaking positively
"I have these needs within me"
"so could you help me with these things?"
We need to look back on what we need and express them
A mom says to her senior in high school who’s playing games, "You’ll regret it someday!" What’s she really saying?
She’s saying, "I’m worried because you’re in your senior year, and exams are coming"
She’s expressing, "I hope you’ll do well on your exams"
Another example, "If you quit smoking like you promised, I’ll eat my hat"
This actually means, "I’m concerned about your health"
It expresses the hope, "I’d love for you to quit smoking"
In every "Please" request,
there’s a feeling of frustrated expectation
Discomfort, disappointment, sorrow, or
sometimes anger, frustration from within
or sadness all reflect an underlying expectation that
went unfulfilled
and led to disappointment
The second language we need to translate for our family is a very important one: "Thank you"
This is the language of gratitude
Because God is love, within Him we can learn the language of love for our family
God accepts us as we are, even in our weakness, flaws, and imperfections
So God’s language is "despite everything"
When we look at our family within us, we find things to be grateful for "despite everything"
One day, some of the counseling students shared these stories
One person shared a painful memory from their childhood
As a child, this person saw their mother prepare to take her own life
due to the overwhelming poverty and hardship at home
They described it as a traumatic memory
One of the listeners asked,
"So, did your mother pass away?"
"No, she didn’t die"
"But seeing her attempt suicide at a young age was very hard for me"
Then another student responded
"But your mother didn’t die, right?"
"Despite her suffering that made her think of death"
"she chose to stay. Doesn’t that mean she had the strength to endure it for you?"
"Maybe that shows her love was greater than her pain?"
Even when life is overwhelming and we feel like giving up
despite everything, despite everything
we have family members who are with us
enduring through their struggles
and moving forward despite the hardships
For that, we should be grateful and appreciative
Let’s remember the language of family
The language of family is "Thank you" for gratitude
and "Please" for requests that connect to our inner emotions
Let’s say to the family beside us now
"Thank you"
"Thank you for being with me. Because you are with me, we are able to keep moving forward together"