Have you ever had a clogged drain?
Or maybe a blocked toilet at least once?
You probably remember how frustrating it feels when there is a traffic jam
It’s also serious if there’s a blockage within our bodies
because it can become life-threatening
Similarly, in the family
talking and communicating is as essential as breathing
Today, we will explore how we can improve communication within our families
(Professor Chae Kyung-sun’s “What is Family?”)
Nice to see you all
I’m Chae Kyung-sun, from the Family Counseling Department at Sung San Graduate University
When I looked into the reasons on why communication fails, a few common causes stood out
The first one is the assumption that family members should understand without being told
You remember the old commercial with the line, “I know even if you don't say anything”? That’s quite a big misconception
Another ad comes to mind, the heater commercial
In it, a father from the countryside calls his son
"The neighbors next door installed a heater"
“I’m not saying I want one too…”
“I’m just saying they put one in"
Do you remember this heater ad?
The son listening is so confused
The father says he’s not asking for a heater
but is he actually wanting one, or not wanting one?
This kind of double message creates
a lot of confusion for the listener
At that moment, you should stop and consider
“The weather is cold, so a heater would be nice"
“But I understand you might have financial concerns, what’s your situation?”
'How is your situation like?' If he could just ask that way
But instead, he hints at wanting the son to understand his needs without being direct
as if he expects the son to read his mind and act on it
This is something that often happens
After that, he might say something like
How could you not know that?”
“How could you not understand?”
"Aren’t family members supposed to know even if we don’t say it?” expressing his disappointment
A family therapist once studied the backgrounds of patients with mental health struggles and found
that double messages like these were commonly present in their family dynamics
The second reason communication often breaks down in families is that
we hastily assume we already “know"
For instance, let’s say it’s the day of a child’s exam
After finishing the test, the child comes home looking downcast
The mother quickly makes a judgment
I knew it
“Ever since you were playing games instead of studying yesterday"
"I knew you’d fail the test today"
This is what the mother concludes
But in reality, the child may not be upset about the test at all
They might be troubled by an argument with a friend on the way home How could the mother know that?
Yet, we often assume we know everything just by a glance,
judging, deciding, and sometimes even blaming without truly understanding
The word "Family" comes from "Familiar," meaning togetherness
or a sense of familiarity
Because of this familiarity
we sometimes judge hastily, without being curious or trying to understand
But judging too quickly misses the depth in words
Each word carries a story of one’s life
My in-laws are from the Gyeongsang region
while I’m from Jeonju in the Jeolla region
One day, I asked my grandfather-in-law
"Grandfather, I steamed some potatoe Should I bring some over?"
And he replied
"When?" (using the regional dialect "eun-je?")
So I said, "I can bring them right now"
and he just laughed
In Gyeongsang dialect, "eun-je?" actually means "No, I’m fine for now"
Since each word carries its own life story, context, and background
if we don’t listen carefully and consider the speaker’s background
we may misunderstand or judge
too quickly and easily
Satir categorized dysfunctional family communication styles
pointing out that when communication is inconsistent
healthy interactions in the family become difficult
To achieve healthy, congruent communication, she emphasized observing 3 key elements
The first element is yourself
the second is the other person you’re talking to
and the third is the context, the situation you and the other person are in
These three elements must be respected
Satir also identified four types of incongruent communication styles
the first being the "placating" style
In this style, the person respects others and the situation
but disregards their own needs
For example
when a daughter comes home very late, her parents are furious
How she responds can vary
If she’s in the placating style
she immediately kneels and apologizes
"I’m so, so sorry. I broke my promise to you, Mom and Dad"
"It’s my fault, I’m the wrongdoer"
she says, adopting this placating attitude
This style often reflects low self-esteem or a lack of self-identity
The second type is the "blaming" style
In the blaming style
the person considers only themselves and their situation, disregarding others
In a similar situation, if the daughter were responding this way
she might say to her father
"Dad, the reason I don’t want to come home is because you and Mom are always angry and keep watching me all night"
"That’s why I don’t like coming home, okay?"
When she disregards the emotions of others in this way
it’s easy to create discomfort in the relationship
The third type is the "super-reasonable" style
In this style, both the self and others are ignored, leaving only the situation
It’s when the child says, "Mom, Dad, don’t get upset, just look at this situation"
"logically and think it through"
Here, only the situation is acknowledged
while the feelings of both the speaker and others are disregarded
The fourth type is the "distracting" style
In this style
everything—self, others, and the situation—is ignored
resulting in a very chaotic conversation
When the daughter comes home late, she might say
"Oh, what’s going on here?"
"Why are you both up so late, Mom and Dad?"
"It’s bedtime; everyone should go to sleep. Good night!"
This is an example of the distracting type
So, within our family,
how can we achieve congruent communication
Let’s take some time to think about that
To communicate congruently
we need to be aware of ourselves, others, and the surrounding situation
First, we must observe situations
where there’s little conversation
or where emotions could take over
Observation is crucial because
’s not about blaming or judging
Here’s an image on the screen Let’s look at it
and decide if the following statements are observations or judgments
Statement 1: An elderly man is walking with difficulty
We see an elderly man, yes
but saying he’s walking with difficulty
could vary based on each person’s judgment
Observing means simply
stating the facts
So "An elderly man is walking" would be a more objective observation
Let’s look at the second statement
A deer is striking a pose for the camera
This isn’t an observation either
'Striking a pose'
is our interpretation
Statement 3: Someone is showing affection to the deer
What if they’re just petting it
or maybe just making contact
"Showing affection" could actually mean pushing it away out of dislike
Statement 4: A drought has been ongoing for a long time
This, too
is an assumption or judgment of ours because
although some may try to justify it
by saying, "Look at the ground it’s cracked"
"so this must mean there’s been a long drought, right?
that’s still just your judgment
So there are times when we judge too easily, thinking we know the answer
We must stop our judgement and start observing
The second method to communication is to 'ask'
When I teach about therapy and when I counsel myself
If someone says to me
"What do you think is"
"the most important skill?" I would reply
withought hesitation, I would say, 'the law of not knowing', 'the art of not knowing'
For example, let's say a child comes home from school
Suddenly, he throws his bag and starts cursing
At this time, the mother could say
"I told you not to swear"
But we do not know
what the child's situation or problem was
Before he walked through the door
we should ask whether he had a problem or whether he had a difficulty
or whether he felt dissapointment or if he went through some type of failure
We need to ask this because we do not know
Let's say the husband comes home, throwing the bag and saying he wants to give up
When he does this, we might day, "It's not just you who's struggling, it's been tough for me too"
"Our neighbors are struggling, the entire country is struggling"
"You shouldn't say that" We might want to tell this to him
But instead, we should stop and ask him
In our lives, we have contexts and stories
If we try to endure this, we end up with 'bruses' within our heart
You should ask, if there is a sadness that occurs within you
If there is a loneliness within you
we should be able to ask about it
We should ask because we are family
"Mom, during my youth, when I missed your bright eyes"
"your warm hands, your hot dinners"
"why were you so depressed and sad?"
"Why were you always crying in the living room, without any energy?"
"Dad, the day when you came home after drinking"
"do you know how scared I was watching you be upset?"
"How come in your eyes"
"you didn't see young me shaking in anxiety?"
If you are sad, vengeful, and are unable to forgive, just ask them
Your parents will have had a reason and a story
If you are unable to ask them
If you are unable to follow them and ask them for their reasons
because of their passing
I hope we will be able to come forth to God
to Him who has asked to open our hearts
“Come now, let us reason together"
"though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow"
"though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool" (Isa. 1:18)
Let us open our hearts to the Lord
and when we are able to connect with Him
let us prey that we can also be able to connect with our family as well