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Have you ever had a clogged drain?

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Or maybe a blocked toilet at least once?

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You probably remember how frustrating
it feels when there is a traffic jam

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It’s also serious if there’s 
a blockage within our bodies

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because it can become life-threatening

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Similarly, in the family

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talking and communicating is 
as essential as breathing

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Today, we will explore how we can 
improve communication within our families

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(Professor Chae Kyung-sun’s 
“What is Family?”)

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Nice to see you all

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I’m Chae Kyung-sun, 
from the Family Counseling Department 
at Sung San Graduate University

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When I looked into the reasons 
on why communication fails, 
a few common causes stood out

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The first one is the assumption 
that family members should 
understand without being told

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You remember the old commercial 
with the line, 
“I know even if you don't say anything”? 
That’s quite a big misconception

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Another ad comes to mind, 
the heater commercial

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In it, a father from the 
countryside calls his son

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"The neighbors next door 
installed a heater"

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“I’m not saying I want one too…”

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“I’m just saying they put one in"

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Do you remember this heater ad?

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The son listening is so confused

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The father says he’s not 
asking for a heater

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but is he actually wanting one, 
or not wanting one?

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This kind of double message creates

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a lot of confusion for the listener

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At that moment, 
you should stop and consider

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“The weather is cold, 
so a heater would be nice"

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“But I understand you might have 
financial concerns, what’s your situation?”

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'How is your situation like?'
If he could just ask that way

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But instead, he hints at 
wanting the son to understand 
his needs without being direct

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as if he expects the son 
to read his mind and act on it

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This is something that often happens

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After that, he might say something like

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How could you not know that?”

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“How could you not understand?”

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"Aren’t family members supposed 
to know even if we don’t say it?” 
expressing his disappointment

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A family therapist once studied 
the backgrounds of patients with 
mental health struggles and found

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that double messages like these were 
commonly present in their family dynamics

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The second reason communication 
often breaks down in families is that

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we hastily assume we already “know"

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For instance, let’s say 
it’s the day of a child’s exam

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After finishing the test, 
the child comes home looking downcast

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The mother quickly makes a judgment

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I knew it

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“Ever since you were playing games
instead of studying yesterday"

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"I knew you’d fail the test today"

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This is what the mother concludes

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But in reality, the child may not 
be upset about the test at all

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They might be troubled by an argument 
with a friend on the way home
How could the mother know that?

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Yet, we often assume we know 
everything just by a glance,

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judging, deciding, and sometimes even 
blaming without truly understanding

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The word "Family" comes from 
"Familiar," meaning togetherness

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or a sense of familiarity

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Because of this familiarity

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we sometimes judge hastily, without being 
curious or trying to understand

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But judging too quickly misses the depth in words

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Each word carries a story of one’s life

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My in-laws are from the Gyeongsang region

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while I’m from Jeonju in the Jeolla region

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One day, I asked my grandfather-in-law

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"Grandfather, I steamed some potatoe
Should I bring some over?"

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And he replied

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"When?" 
(using the regional dialect "eun-je?")

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So I said, "I can bring them right now"

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and he just laughed

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In Gyeongsang dialect, "eun-je?" 
actually means "No, I’m fine for now"

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Since each word carries its own 
life story, context, and background

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if we don’t listen carefully and 
consider the speaker’s background

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we may misunderstand or judge

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too quickly and easily

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Satir categorized dysfunctional 
family communication styles

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pointing out that when 
communication is inconsistent

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healthy interactions in the family 
become difficult

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To achieve healthy, congruent communication, 
she emphasized observing 3 key elements

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The first element is yourself

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the second is the other person 
you’re talking to

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and the third is the context, the situation 
you and the other person are in

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These three elements must be respected

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Satir also identified four types of 
incongruent communication styles

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the first being the "placating" style

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In this style, the person 
respects others and the situation

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but disregards their own needs

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For example

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when a daughter comes home 
very late, her parents are furious

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How she responds can vary

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If she’s in the placating style

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she immediately kneels and apologizes

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"I’m so, so sorry. I broke 
my promise to you, Mom and Dad"

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"It’s my fault, I’m the wrongdoer"

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she says, adopting this placating attitude

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This style often reflects low self-esteem 
or a lack of self-identity

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The second type is the "blaming" style

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In the blaming style

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the person considers only themselves
and their situation, disregarding others

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In a similar situation, if the daughter 
were responding this way

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she might say to her father

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"Dad, the reason I don’t want to come home 
is because you and Mom are always angry 
and keep watching me all night"

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"That’s why I don’t like 
coming home, okay?"

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When she disregards the 
emotions of others in this way

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it’s easy to create discomfort 
in the relationship

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The third type is 
the "super-reasonable" style

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In this style, both the self and others 
are ignored, leaving only the situation

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It’s when the child says, "Mom, Dad, 
don’t get upset, just look at this situation"

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"logically and think it through"

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Here, only the situation is acknowledged

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while the feelings of both the speaker 
and others are disregarded

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The fourth type is the "distracting" style

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In this style

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everything—self, others, 
and the situation—is ignored

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resulting in a very chaotic conversation

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When the daughter comes home late, 
she might say

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"Oh, what’s going on here?"

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"Why are you both up so late, 
Mom and Dad?"

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"It’s bedtime; everyone should 
go to sleep. Good night!"

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This is an example of the distracting type

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So, within our family,

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how can we achieve congruent communication

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Let’s take some time to think about that

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To communicate congruently

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we need to be aware of ourselves, 
others, and the surrounding situation

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First, we must observe situations

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where there’s little conversation

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or where emotions could take over

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Observation is crucial because

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’s not about blaming or judging

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Here’s an image on the screen
Let’s look at it

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and decide if the following statements 
are observations or judgments

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Statement 1: An elderly man is 
walking with difficulty

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We see an elderly man, yes

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but saying he’s walking with difficulty

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could vary based on each person’s judgment

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Observing means simply

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stating the facts

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So "An elderly man is walking" 
would be a more objective observation

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Let’s look at the second statement

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A deer is striking a pose for the camera

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This isn’t an observation either

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'Striking a pose'

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is our interpretation

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Statement 3: Someone is 
showing affection to the deer

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What if they’re just petting it

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or maybe just making contact

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"Showing affection" could actually mean 
pushing it away out of dislike

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Statement 4: A drought has been
ongoing for a long time

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This, too

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is an assumption or 
judgment of ours because

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although some may try to justify it

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by saying, "Look at the ground
it’s cracked"

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"so this must mean 
there’s been a long drought, right?

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that’s still just your judgment

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So there are times when we judge 
too easily, thinking we know the answer

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We must stop our judgement and
start observing

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The second method to communication 
is to 'ask'

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When I teach about therapy and
when I counsel myself

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If someone says to me

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"What do you think is"

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"the most important skill?" I would reply

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withought hesitation, I would say, 
'the law of not knowing', 
'the art of not knowing'

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For example, let's say a child 
comes home from school

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Suddenly, he throws his bag 
and starts cursing

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At this time, the mother could say

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"I told you not to swear"

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But we do not know

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what the child's situation or problem was

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Before he walked through the door

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we should ask whether he had a problem
or whether he had a difficulty

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or whether he felt dissapointment 
or if he went through some type of failure

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We need to ask this because we do not know

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Let's say the husband comes home, 
throwing the bag and saying 
he wants to give up

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When he does this, we might day, 
"It's not just you who's struggling, 
it's been tough for me too"

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"Our neighbors are struggling, 
the entire country is struggling"

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"You shouldn't say that"
We might want to tell this to him

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But instead, we should stop and ask him

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In our lives, we have contexts and stories

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If we try to endure this, we end up with 
'bruses' within our heart

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You should ask, if there is a sadness 
that occurs within you

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If there is a loneliness within you

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we should be able to ask about it

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We should ask because we are family

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"Mom, during my youth, when I missed
your bright eyes"

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"your warm hands, your hot dinners"

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"why were you so depressed and sad?"

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"Why were you always crying in the 
living room, without any energy?"

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"Dad, the day when you 
came home after drinking"

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"do you know how scared I was 
watching you be upset?"

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"How come in your eyes"

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"you didn't see young me 
shaking in anxiety?"

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If you are sad, vengeful, and are unable
to forgive, just ask them

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Your parents will have had 
a reason and a story

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If you are unable to ask them

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If you are unable to follow them and 
ask them for their reasons

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because of their passing

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I hope we will be able to 
come forth to God

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to Him who has asked to open our hearts

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“Come now, let us reason together"

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"though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow"

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"though they are red like crimson,
they shall become like wool" (Isa. 1:18)

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Let us open our hearts to the Lord

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and when we are able to connect with Him

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let us prey that we can also be able to 
connect with our family as well