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Thinking back to childhood, 
each class used to have a class motto

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They'd frame it, write it out, 
and hang it up

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Sometimes, they'd ask us to bring 
a family motto from home for competitions,
Do you remember that?

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Some of those mottos included,
 "Learn to share with others"

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"The early bird catches the worm"

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There were these mottos and values 
that were known as family or class mottos

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which were like the rules of the family

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When you hear "family rules," 
what do you think of?

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Some might have memories of
getting rewards for following the rules

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Other times, maybe you got punished 
for breaking them, making you feel sad

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Today, we will take a look at 
these 'family rules'

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Through family rules, we’ll explore
the ideas of "power and authority"

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And by following these rules

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we will discuss how things like autonomy,
values, and stability connect

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(Professor Chae Kyung-sun's 
"What Is Family?")

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Hello

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It is good to see you

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I’m Professor Cha Kyung Sun 
from Sung San Graduate School 
of Family Counseling

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Thinking about young children, 
from sleeping as a baby

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mothers waking up 
every few hours to feed them

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feeding them every three hours, 
and putting them to sleep at night

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these routines help create a structure

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It’s part of socialization

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So, eating at certain times, 
sleeping at certain times

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and waking up at set times 
to go through the day's routines

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We see this being done

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As our body makes and adjusts 
to these regular routines

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we say it’s "healthy" and that 
it plays a role in "protecting our body"

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In families, these kinds of rules 
become a survival strategy,

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and through these rules, we can see 
the different beliefs a family holds

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For instance, ideas like how a woman 
should be, or how a man should act

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or that etiquette must be observed,
these are different values we hold

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In the old patriarchal times

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things like, "If a hen crows, 
it brings trouble to the house,"
"A man shouldn’t be in the kitchen"

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or "One must eat in silence,"

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were rules of communication 
within each families

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When parents teach family rules

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it comes from a positive intention 
to help navigate life

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That’s often the purpose behind the rules

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Sometimes, while there are explicit rules

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there are unspoken rules as well,
implicit ones that are not formally declared

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yet are understood by everyone

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In my family, for instance, 
I remember that my father had a temper

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so when he came home after drinking

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or if he was in a bad mood

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we knew to go to our rooms

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and stay in bed

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This was our unspoken rule among us

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Virginia Satir says that regarding 
these kinds of family rules, there are some 
traits that dysfunctional families acquire

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Of course, it's not only family rules

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but also things like 
low self-esteem in family members

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or indirect communication that 
characterize a dysfunctional family

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One key factor among these is 
that if family rules are 
excessively strict or inflexible

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they can contribute to family dysfunction

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This is because family rules reflect 
each member's sense of identity

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self-esteem, and communication styles

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So, why do family rules sometimes 
become so rigid or inflexible?

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First and foremost, underlying such rigid 
family rules may be the parent’s anxiety

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When a parent feels anxious, they might
 want their family members or children

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to fit neatly into a specific framework

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creating an obsessive need for order

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For example, "You must wash your hands"

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"When you come back from outside, 
you have to wash your hands," or

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"When eating, chew slowly and thoroughly"

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"Eat a balanced meal" These are 
good rules for a child's well-being, but

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if there's parental anxiety behind them
other than the thought of 
the child's well-being

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then if the child doesn't comply

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the parent may become emotionally reactive

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Each family member has their own thoughts 
and can have their own freedom

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and may move at a different pace 
from those who set the rules

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So, they may not always follow

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 the rules correctly and immediately

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Despite this, if the parent’s anxiety grows

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this compulsion for compliance within 
the framework quickly and precisely

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intensifies, so

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within us, rules sometimes 
become a form of threat

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When a rule is broken, 
one common reaction from parents is

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to make threats

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For instance

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if a child is given a 3-hour study time

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They say, "If you don’t study for 3 hours 
I’ll take away your video games"

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or "I won’t give you any allowance"

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So, although the rule aims 
to protect the child’s safety

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it can sometimes become a source 
of threat and intimidation

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The problem here is that

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the concept of "power and authority" 
starts to shift

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The strength that parents and 
we ourselves hold

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is supposed to support survival, 
cooperation, and contribution

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serving as a positive and 
influential force of energy

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However, when this strength turns into 
a tool for threat and intimidation

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it may come to be seen as something 
uncomfortable, harsh, or even aggressive

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Sometimes, parental anxiety stems from
their own wounds or low self-esteem

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For example, if a parent struggled 
with health issues in their childhood

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if they struggled greatly 
from that experience

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the pain or insecurities within them

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could shape a set of strict "must-dos"
 or rules for the child

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potentially creating an 
oppressive situation

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In this way, regardless of 
their own anxiety, the child

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may end up within the parents' anxiety

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and as a result, they lose their 
internal autonomy as well as

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the deep sense of achievement and 
identity they could gain from following rules

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Thus, the fundamental purpose 
behind these family rules, 
about safety and loving relationships

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fades away, leaving only empty formality

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At Sunday school, they used to 
read the Bible, passing it around

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If someone made a mistake while reading

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they’d pass to the next person

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With this rule of passing it onto the
 next person if they make a mistake,

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There was one child, shy and timid

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who found reading in front 
of others intimidating

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So this child would often stumble and 
lose their turn without reading a single line

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Eventually, because of the embarrasement
he felt during Sunday school,

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he felt too embarrased to go to church

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stopped attending church overall

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At times, rules can turn into formalities
or burdens, regardless of intention

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Rules are only beneficial when there is 
stability, and when the adult enforcing them

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is able to provide a sense of security, 
not as a threatful relationship 
or threatful instruction

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but as an expression of love and care,
we can understand the purpose 
of the guidance

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So, what is the message 
that rules bring to us?

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God’s commands are not one-sided or forced

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When God gives us commands, there is
always "intention and love" behind them

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Think of the tree of the knowledge 
of good and evil

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Let us think of God when he made the tree

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God created it and said, 
"Do not eat from this tree"

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"If you do, you will certainly die" 
This command from God

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was rooted in His understanding 
of how pride can rise within us

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endangering our safety

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Therefore, God set this great boundary, 
intending for us to honor it

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Jeremiah chapter 29 verse 11 expresses 
God's intention for his rules

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"For I know the plans I have for you, 
plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 
plans to give you hope and a future"
(Jer. 29:11)

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God’s commands are not meant 
to punish or threaten us

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but to protect and show His love for us

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but to protect and show His love for us

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and to be acknowledged within us

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So, if we love, we also want to 
follow the rules

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Even if, at times, we break rules 
due to various reasons

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when we’re met with forgiveness 
in our mistakes and failures

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with an embrace saying, "It’s okay"

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I believe we will gain the strength 
to uphold those rules once again