Thinking back to childhood, each class used to have a class motto
They'd frame it, write it out, and hang it up
Sometimes, they'd ask us to bring a family motto from home for competitions, Do you remember that?
Some of those mottos included, "Learn to share with others"
"The early bird catches the worm"
There were these mottos and values that were known as family or class mottos
which were like the rules of the family
When you hear "family rules," what do you think of?
Some might have memories of getting rewards for following the rules
Other times, maybe you got punished for breaking them, making you feel sad
Today, we will take a look at these 'family rules'
Through family rules, we’ll explore the ideas of "power and authority"
And by following these rules
we will discuss how things like autonomy, values, and stability connect
(Professor Chae Kyung-sun's "What Is Family?")
Hello
It is good to see you
I’m Professor Cha Kyung Sun from Sung San Graduate School of Family Counseling
Thinking about young children, from sleeping as a baby
mothers waking up every few hours to feed them
feeding them every three hours, and putting them to sleep at night
these routines help create a structure
It’s part of socialization
So, eating at certain times, sleeping at certain times
and waking up at set times to go through the day's routines
We see this being done
As our body makes and adjusts to these regular routines
we say it’s "healthy" and that it plays a role in "protecting our body"
In families, these kinds of rules become a survival strategy,
and through these rules, we can see the different beliefs a family holds
For instance, ideas like how a woman should be, or how a man should act
or that etiquette must be observed, these are different values we hold
In the old patriarchal times
things like, "If a hen crows, it brings trouble to the house," "A man shouldn’t be in the kitchen"
or "One must eat in silence,"
were rules of communication within each families
When parents teach family rules
it comes from a positive intention to help navigate life
That’s often the purpose behind the rules
Sometimes, while there are explicit rules
there are unspoken rules as well, implicit ones that are not formally declared
yet are understood by everyone
In my family, for instance, I remember that my father had a temper
so when he came home after drinking
or if he was in a bad mood
we knew to go to our rooms
and stay in bed
This was our unspoken rule among us
Virginia Satir says that regarding these kinds of family rules, there are some traits that dysfunctional families acquire
Of course, it's not only family rules
but also things like low self-esteem in family members
or indirect communication that characterize a dysfunctional family
One key factor among these is that if family rules are excessively strict or inflexible
they can contribute to family dysfunction
This is because family rules reflect each member's sense of identity
self-esteem, and communication styles
So, why do family rules sometimes become so rigid or inflexible?
First and foremost, underlying such rigid family rules may be the parent’s anxiety
When a parent feels anxious, they might want their family members or children
to fit neatly into a specific framework
creating an obsessive need for order
For example, "You must wash your hands"
"When you come back from outside, you have to wash your hands," or
"When eating, chew slowly and thoroughly"
"Eat a balanced meal" These are good rules for a child's well-being, but
if there's parental anxiety behind them other than the thought of the child's well-being
then if the child doesn't comply
the parent may become emotionally reactive
Each family member has their own thoughts and can have their own freedom
and may move at a different pace from those who set the rules
So, they may not always follow
the rules correctly and immediately
Despite this, if the parent’s anxiety grows
this compulsion for compliance within the framework quickly and precisely
intensifies, so
within us, rules sometimes become a form of threat
When a rule is broken, one common reaction from parents is
to make threats
For instance
if a child is given a 3-hour study time
They say, "If you don’t study for 3 hours I’ll take away your video games"
or "I won’t give you any allowance"
So, although the rule aims to protect the child’s safety
it can sometimes become a source of threat and intimidation
The problem here is that
the concept of "power and authority" starts to shift
The strength that parents and we ourselves hold
is supposed to support survival, cooperation, and contribution
serving as a positive and influential force of energy
However, when this strength turns into a tool for threat and intimidation
it may come to be seen as something uncomfortable, harsh, or even aggressive
Sometimes, parental anxiety stems from their own wounds or low self-esteem
For example, if a parent struggled with health issues in their childhood
if they struggled greatly from that experience
the pain or insecurities within them
could shape a set of strict "must-dos" or rules for the child
potentially creating an oppressive situation
In this way, regardless of their own anxiety, the child
may end up within the parents' anxiety
and as a result, they lose their internal autonomy as well as
the deep sense of achievement and identity they could gain from following rules
Thus, the fundamental purpose behind these family rules, about safety and loving relationships
fades away, leaving only empty formality
At Sunday school, they used to read the Bible, passing it around
If someone made a mistake while reading
they’d pass to the next person
With this rule of passing it onto the next person if they make a mistake,
There was one child, shy and timid
who found reading in front of others intimidating
So this child would often stumble and lose their turn without reading a single line
Eventually, because of the embarrasement he felt during Sunday school,
he felt too embarrased to go to church
stopped attending church overall
At times, rules can turn into formalities or burdens, regardless of intention
Rules are only beneficial when there is stability, and when the adult enforcing them
is able to provide a sense of security, not as a threatful relationship or threatful instruction
but as an expression of love and care, we can understand the purpose of the guidance
So, what is the message that rules bring to us?
God’s commands are not one-sided or forced
When God gives us commands, there is always "intention and love" behind them
Think of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil
Let us think of God when he made the tree
God created it and said, "Do not eat from this tree"
"If you do, you will certainly die" This command from God
was rooted in His understanding of how pride can rise within us
endangering our safety
Therefore, God set this great boundary, intending for us to honor it
Jeremiah chapter 29 verse 11 expresses God's intention for his rules
"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer. 29:11)
God’s commands are not meant to punish or threaten us
but to protect and show His love for us
and to be acknowledged within us
So, if we love, we also want to follow the rules
Even if, at times, we break rules due to various reasons
when we’re met with forgiveness in our mistakes and failures
with an embrace saying, "It’s okay"
I believe we will gain the strength to uphold those rules once again