In your family, what is your role?
The role of a father, a mother
the role of sons and daughters, all of us fulfill these roles
How do you feel as you carry out these roles?
You might feel overwhelmed
or you might feel proud
maybe even satisfied
In our bodies, for survival,
each system performs specific roles
Like this, each of us takes on various roles in the family
which helps keep the family intact
and we can see how this protects us from external stresses
Today, we will be discussing about 'family roles'
and take some time to acknowledge and comfort
each member of our families who fulfills these roles
(Professor Chae Kyung-sun's "What's with Family?")
Hello
I’m Chae Kyung-sun from the Department of Family Counseling at Sung San Hyo Graduate School
When we talk about roles, we mean the actions expected by society
For example, if we consider the role of a 'teacher'
a teacher is expected to play the role of teaching, handle administrative duties, and meet with her students
Additionally, certain qualities are associated with the role
like dedication, responsibility, and consideration
In this way, the concept of roles can make us consider various aspects of ourselves
Thinking back to my childhood, I was, of course, a child
yet despite being just a daughte
I often felt like I needed to be my mother’s friend
or even her source of joy
which felt like a heavy burden
Looking back, I don’t think my parents were particularly compatible or happily married
As a child observing my mother
she always seemed to carry worry and sadness
So, I often thought, “I’d do anything to make my mom happy”
There’s a commercial I still remember
It was for 'Dwaeji ice-cream bar'
Do any of you remember the Dwaeji ice-cream bar ad?
A chubby boy eats a Dwaeji ice-cream bar
and after finishing, he holds out the empty stick to his mom and asks
"Mom, one more?"
When his mom looks at him with a big smile
I thought, “Wow, moms can smile that brightly too"
In that moment, I thought
'I want to make my mom smile like that too'
So the next morning, I eagerly ate my breakfast
and showed her my empty bowl, saying
“Mom, one more bowl?” and she was so happy
Ever since, I think I tried hard to eat my breakfast diligently
However, after a while
certain unhealthy patterns began to show up within me
For instance, I started avoiding talking about anything that could sadden or hurt my mom
I still remember one night, I had a headache
and I felt like I had a bit of a fever, so I was struggling
I worried that if I told my mom I was sick, she would worry too much
so I drank warm water and thought
“If I just sleep well tonight, my fever will probably go down by morning”
and I endured it through that night
A 'functional family' is one in which
each person fulfills their role well
However, in a 'dysfunctional family,' even though roles themselves aren't bad
if one member is missing or is unable to fulfill their role
the responsibilities of others may become overloaded
Think about your own body: if you injure your right arm
and you cannot use it
your left arm will have to take on the right arm’s role
which might exhaust it and make it hard to function well
I recently watched a movie called 'Deok-gu' (Stand by me)
Deok-gu is a film about a multicultural family
The family consists of a grandfather, a son, a mother from Indonesia
a son named Deok-gu, and a daughter named Deok-hee
In the movie, Deok-gu’s father passes away in an accident
leading to misunderstandings, making the grandfather drive the daughter-in-law out of the house
As a result, the grandfather
has to play the role of father and mother to his grandchildren
So the grandfather collected empty bottles
cleaned grills at restaurants, and made money however he could
At one restaurant, he learns that cleaning each grill, which was 300 won, would be payed double
so eh has no choice but to leave for work leaving Deok-gu to care for Deok-hee
That day, while the grandfather is away, Deok-gu’s friends invite him to play
Meanwhile, Deok-hee falls asleep
and even though he waits for her to wake up
he becomes desperate to go play with his friends
So, he locks the door from the outside and heads off with his friends
While he’s gone, Deok-hee wakes up and has a seizure
When the grandfather returns, he finds her collapsed
Because of Deok-hee, he is disapointed in Deok-gu
and becomes very angry, Because of the anger, he hits Deok-gu
saying, “Didn’t I tell you that you are our eldest grandson?”
"Didn’t I ask you to take good care of things, Deok-gu?”
Overcome with frustration and sadness
Deok-gu runs out of the house
As he leaves, he shouts to his grandfather
“You don’t understand me!”
“Do you know what my friends call me?”
“They call me ‘Deok-hee’s mom’, am I Deok-hee’s mom?”
Crying, he storms out
Deok-gu, who has run away
is left outside, crying as it rains and thunders
His grandfather goes looking for him and comes to a resolution in his heart
Then, when he hears from the doctor that the children are sick
the grandfather asks the doctor
"Doctor, am I not enough?"
"Do the kids really need their mom this much?"
"Can’t I play the role of mom?"
To this, the docer responded,
"Children need their mother"
We each have a role inside of us
There’s the role of the grandfather, the mother, the father
and sometimes we take pride in these roles, and they become our identity
But other times, these roles can feel too heavy and overwhelming
So when we start to feel this weight, what should we do?
First, regarding these burdonsome roles
I hope we could feel grateful for them
Because it’s through fulfilling these roles that our family has continued up until now
I remember a teacher I met quite a long time ago
She was a school teacher and also a mother
She once told me about a recurring dream she had
In the dream,
there was a newborn baby boy
lying in the middle of an empty, open field, wearing no clothes
Every time, she would feel such pity for the child and want to hold him
But right at that moment she would wake up
So when she woke up, she would think
"Next time, if I see that child again, I’ll make sure to clothe him or hold him tightly"
Yet the child in her dream always appeared as the same naked boy
never growing or dressed in any clothes
I asked her, "Who comes to mind when you think of this child?"
She told me that she thought of her son, who was still in elementary school
She thought of the son she hadn’t been able to properly take care of because she was always busy
Then I asked one more question
"What was your own childhood like?"
She answered, "I had four older brothers above me, and then there was me, the only girl"
I responded, "Oh, then you must have been adored in your family!"
But she was shocked and said, "What are you talking about?"
She explained that her parents were actually very busy and overworked
Because they had to work at a factory and even took night shifts
She said, "I struggled tryng to manage between my brother"
She continued, "I had to make ramen for my brothers"
"and prepare meals for them" she explained
"I wasn’t treated as a girl or the youngest child"
She even said, "I even had to wear their rough boy’s clothes"
As she shared this, she suddenly realized and told me
"Come to think of it, the boy in my dream"
"It wasn't my son, it was me"
That day, after our conversation, she was driving home
and she was so overwhelmed with emotion that she pulled over at the apartment stop
She cried aloud in her car for nearly 30 minutes
She had longed to be a girl, to be cherished, and to be loved
There was a tender, precious "me" who wanted those things
But she had been so rough, so much like a tomboy, squeezed between her brothers
Remembering that sorrowful image of herself, she wept, holding onto it
She then told that inner child,
"Thank you for being there"
"Thanks to you, my brothers, my mom, and my dad were able to get through that time securely."
She said she held and cried with that inner child for 30 minutes
A little while later, she came back to see me
She said the child had finally appeared again in her dream
But how did she appear?
This time, it was a little girl, around the age of seven or eight, wearing a beautiful dress
She appeared in the dream, just like that
Inside us, there may be an inner child
There may be a hidden inner child wanting to be loved, cared for, and embraced
Yet, because we had to live as strong adults, we may have suppressed that side of ourselves
I hope we will be able to feel grateful for these roles we’ve taken on, and grateful for others’ roles as well
Carl Jung once said
"The heaviest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents"
Robert Wicks also said
"One of the greatest things we can do for those we are close to
is to learn to love and enjoy ourselves"
So once you become a mother, I hope we can ask the younger, patient version of ourselves,
"What is it that you wanted so badly?"
"What kind of love did you yearn for?"
Inside us, there may be cries of sorrow
We may have burdens, heavy responsibilities that weigh on us
In the Bible, God says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
May we find rest in His voice, letting go of our burdens
Roles weren’t given to us as weights to carry
They were given to help us discover "Who am I?" and "What will I do with my life?"
They were given to us for our valuse, our roles, and our identity
If, at times, these roles feel overwhelming,
may we lay our burdens before the Lord so that we can take on our roles with lightness and gratitude