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In your family, what is your role?

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The role of a father, a mother

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the role of sons and daughters,
all of us fulfill these roles

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How do you feel 
as you carry out these roles?

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You might feel overwhelmed

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or you might feel proud

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maybe even satisfied

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In our bodies, for survival,

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each system performs specific roles

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Like this, each of us takes on 
various roles in the family

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which helps keep the family intact

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and we can see how this protects us 
from external stresses

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Today, we will be discussing about
'family roles'

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and take some time to 
acknowledge and comfort

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each member of our families 
who fulfills these roles

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(Professor Chae Kyung-sun's 
"What's with Family?")

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Hello

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I’m Chae Kyung-sun 
from the Department of Family Counseling 
at Sung San Hyo Graduate School

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When we talk about roles, we mean 
the actions expected by society

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For example, if we consider 
the role of a 'teacher'

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a teacher is expected to play the role 
of teaching, handle administrative duties, 
and meet with her students

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Additionally, certain qualities 
are associated with the role

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like dedication, responsibility, 
and consideration

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In this way, the concept of roles can make us
consider various aspects of ourselves

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Thinking back to my childhood, 
I was, of course, a child

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yet despite being just a daughte

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I often felt like I needed to be 
my mother’s friend

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or even her source of joy

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which felt like a heavy burden

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Looking back, I don’t think my parents 
were particularly compatible 
or happily married

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As a child observing my mother

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she always seemed to carry 
worry and sadness

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So, I often thought,
 “I’d do anything to make my mom happy”

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There’s a commercial I still remember

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It was for 'Dwaeji ice-cream bar'

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Do any of you remember the
Dwaeji ice-cream bar ad?

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A chubby boy eats a Dwaeji ice-cream bar

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and after finishing, he holds out 
the empty stick to his mom and asks

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"Mom, one more?"

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When his mom looks at him with a big smile

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I thought, “Wow, moms can smile 
that brightly too"

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In that moment, I thought

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'I want to make my mom 
smile like that too'

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So the next morning, I eagerly ate my breakfast

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and showed her my empty bowl, saying

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“Mom, one more bowl?” 
and she was so happy

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Ever since, I think I tried hard 
to eat my breakfast diligently

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However, after a while

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certain unhealthy patterns 
began to show up within me

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For instance, I started avoiding 
talking about anything 
that could sadden or hurt my mom

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I still remember one night, 
I had a headache

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and I felt like I had a bit of a fever, 
so I was struggling

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I worried that if I told my mom I was sick, 
she would worry too much

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so I drank warm water and thought

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“If I just sleep well tonight, my fever
will probably go down by morning”

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and I endured it through that night

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A 'functional family' is one in which

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each person fulfills their role well

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However, in a 'dysfunctional family,'
even though roles themselves aren't bad

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if one member is missing 
or is unable to fulfill their role

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the responsibilities of others 
may become overloaded

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Think about your own body: 
if you injure your right arm

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and you cannot use it

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your left arm will have to take on 
the right arm’s role

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which might exhaust it 
and make it hard to function well

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I recently watched a movie 
called 'Deok-gu' (Stand by me)

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Deok-gu is a film about 
a multicultural family

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The family consists of a grandfather, 
a son, a mother from Indonesia

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a son named Deok-gu, 
and a daughter named Deok-hee

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In the movie, Deok-gu’s father
passes away in an accident

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leading to misunderstandings, 
making the grandfather drive 
the daughter-in-law out of the house

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As a result, the grandfather

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has to play the role of 
father and mother to his grandchildren

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So the grandfather collected empty bottles

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cleaned grills at restaurants, 
and made money however he could

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At one restaurant, he learns that 
cleaning each grill, which was 300 won, 
would be payed double

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so eh has no choice but to leave for work
leaving Deok-gu to care for Deok-hee

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That day, while the grandfather is away,
Deok-gu’s friends invite him to play

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Meanwhile, Deok-hee falls asleep

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and even though he waits 
for her to wake up

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he becomes desperate to go 
play with his friends

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So, he locks the door from the outside 
and heads off with his friends

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While he’s gone, Deok-hee wakes up 
and has a seizure

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When the grandfather returns, 
he finds her collapsed

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Because of Deok-hee, he is 
disapointed in Deok-gu

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and becomes very angry,
Because of the anger, he hits Deok-gu

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saying, “Didn’t I tell you that 
you are our eldest grandson?”

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"Didn’t I ask you to take 
good care of things, Deok-gu?”

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Overcome with frustration and sadness

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Deok-gu runs out of the house

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As he leaves, he shouts to his grandfather

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“You don’t understand me!”

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“Do you know what my friends call me?”

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“They call me ‘Deok-hee’s mom’, 
am I Deok-hee’s mom?”

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Crying, he storms out

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Deok-gu, who has run away

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is left outside, crying as it 
rains and thunders

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His grandfather goes looking for him 
and comes to a resolution in his heart

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Then, when he hears from the doctor 
that the children are sick

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the grandfather asks the doctor

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"Doctor, am I not enough?"

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"Do the kids really need 
their mom this much?"

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"Can’t I play the role of mom?"

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To this, the docer responded,

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"Children need their mother"

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We each have a role inside of us

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There’s the role of the grandfather, 
the mother, the father

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and sometimes we take pride in these roles, 
and they become our identity

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But other times, these roles can feel 
too heavy and overwhelming

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So when we start to feel this weight, 
what should we do?

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First, regarding these burdonsome roles

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I hope we could feel grateful for them

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Because it’s through fulfilling 
these roles that our family 
has continued up until now

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I remember a teacher I met 
quite a long time ago

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She was a school teacher and also a mother

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She once told me about 
a recurring dream she had

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In the dream,

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there was a newborn baby boy

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lying in the middle of an empty, 
open field, wearing no clothes

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Every time, she would feel such pity 
for the child and want to hold him

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But right at that moment she would wake up

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So when she woke up, she would think

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"Next time, if I see that child again, 
I’ll make sure to clothe him 
or hold him tightly"

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Yet the child in her dream always 
appeared as the same naked boy

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never growing or dressed in any clothes

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I asked her, "Who comes to mind 
when you think of this child?"

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She told me that she thought of her son, 
who was still in elementary school

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She thought of the son 
she hadn’t been able to properly take care of
because she was always busy

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Then I asked one more question

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"What was your own childhood like?"

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She answered, 
"I had four older brothers above me, 
and then there was me, the only girl"

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I responded, "Oh, then you must 
have been adored in your family!"

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But she was shocked and said, 
"What are you talking about?"

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She explained that her parents 
were actually very busy and overworked

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Because they had to work at a factory 
and even took night shifts

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She said, "I struggled tryng to manage
between my brother"

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She continued, "I had to make ramen 
for my brothers"

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"and prepare meals for them" she explained

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"I wasn’t treated as a girl or
the youngest child"

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She even said, "I even had to wear 
their rough boy’s clothes"

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As she shared this, 
she suddenly realized and told me

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"Come to think of it, the boy in my dream"

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"It wasn't my son, it was me"

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That day, after our conversation, 
she was driving home

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and she was so overwhelmed with emotion 
that she pulled over at the apartment stop

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She cried aloud in her car 
for nearly 30 minutes

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She had longed to be a girl, 
to be cherished, and to be loved

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There was a tender, precious "me" 
who wanted those things

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But she had been so rough, so much like 
a tomboy, squeezed between her brothers

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Remembering that sorrowful image 
of herself, she wept, holding onto it

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She then told that inner child,

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"Thank you for being there"

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"Thanks to you, my brothers, my mom, 
and my dad were able to get through 
that time securely."

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She said she held and cried 
with that inner child for 30 minutes

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A little while later, 
she came back to see me

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She said the child had finally 
appeared again in her dream

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But how did she appear?

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This time, it was a little girl, 
around the age of seven or eight, 
wearing a beautiful dress

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She appeared in the dream, just like that

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Inside us, there may be an inner child

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There may be a hidden inner child
wanting to be loved, cared for, and embraced

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Yet, because we had to live as 
strong adults, we may have suppressed 
that side of ourselves

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I hope we will be able to feel grateful 
for these roles we’ve taken on, 
and grateful for others’ roles as well

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Carl Jung once said

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"The heaviest burden a child must bear 
is the unlived life of its parents"

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Robert Wicks also said

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"One of the greatest things we can do
for those we are close to

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is to learn to love and enjoy ourselves"

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So once you become a mother,
I hope we can ask the younger, 
patient version of ourselves,

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"What is it that you wanted so badly?"

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"What kind of love did you yearn for?"

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Inside us, there may be cries of sorrow

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We may have burdens, 
heavy responsibilities that weigh on us

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In the Bible, God says,
"Come to me, all you who are 
weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

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May we find rest in His voice, 
letting go of our burdens

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Roles weren’t given to us 
as weights to carry

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They were given to help us discover 
"Who am I?" and "What will I do with my life?"

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They were given to us for our valuse, 
our roles, and our identity

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If, at times, these roles feel overwhelming,

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may we lay our burdens before the Lord
so that we can take on our roles 
with lightness and gratitude