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I worry about what
others think of me

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It’s difficult to share my
opinions with others

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I’m not sure what I want 
or what I like

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These are things I often hear from clients

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Expressing ourselves
isn’t easy, right?

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Today,
we will look into

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how we can protect ourselves

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while respecting others
with important skills

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Let’s explore these techniques today

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(Professor Chae 'What is Family?')

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Hello, I’m Professor Chae Kyung-sun

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In psychology, the agent who thinks, feels

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expresses will, and takes action

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is called the “self” or “ego"

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Infants do not 
develop a sense of self

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They can’t even distinguish themselves,

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When you put lipstick on a baby

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the baby doesn’t wipe their own face but

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they go to wipe
the face of the person

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with lipstick in the reflection

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children can’t yet see themselves,

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so they recognize “the others"

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especially their primary caregiver

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Over time, this leads to
observing

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of the mother
who is the 'other'

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and the child starts to adjust

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when a child tries 
to reach for something

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they check their mother’s reaction

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and if she's negative
they won’t reach it

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If her reaction's good 
they’ll go ahead

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Thus, the mother
become a reference point

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Around 20 months to 36 months

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they start recognizing

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and expressing their emotions

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There’s a scholar named Bowen

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who said a major cause 
of mental issues

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lies in “mother-child symbiosis"

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This is when the family
live as one unit

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A child’s healthy growth means

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experiencing separation,

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This process of separation is essential for

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health, development, growth, and maturity

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During this process, from the womb

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to separation and independence,

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one emotion inevitably felt is

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what we call anxiety

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Separation naturally brings anxiety

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In life, managing this anxiety

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becomes a key factor in determining

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one’s psychological well-being

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It becomes a key factor

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The internal agent that can 
manage anxiety

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is the self

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For a healthy self to form

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there’s an essential foundation

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Heinz Kohut, the psychologist

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who developed self-psychology said

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that for a person to develop 
strong self

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two experiences 
are necessary

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The first experience, he explains

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is to feel cherished

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It’s the experience of, one-on-one,

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being the center of the world

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of feeling like the center of the universe

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The world and time
revolves around me,

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and the gazes are 
focused. Through this,

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understanding that 
I am a important person

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and the universe can take root

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Along with this cherished experience

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there’s another essential element:

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experiencing appropriate frustration

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With appropriate frustration, the child

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like calluses that form over time

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learn humility through failure

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and reinforcing the self through setbacks

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Through these, 
the self becomes stronger

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But if, instead of appropriate frustration

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one faces excessive, sudden frustration

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or encounters failure without support

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they may experience deep anxiety

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and independence and being alone

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This can lead to intense frustration

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When frustration is handled appropriately

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it leads to a 'self-differentiation'

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This concept of being with others

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characterizes a highly differentiated self

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with some notable traits

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People with high self-differentiation 
can separate their emotions

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It means that they aren't
overly emotional

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Experiencing emotions is natural

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They might feel anger

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or disappointment

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but if they become overly emotional

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they have 
a low self-differentiation

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Another trait is the
ability to maintain

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clear boundaries 
between others

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If someone constantly offloading

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their emotions onto others

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or absorbing others’ emotions

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as if they were their own

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then they are said
low self-differentiation

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(Professor Chae 'What is Family?')

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Let's say a couple has a conflict

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After arguing in the room, they come out,

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and who happens to be in the living room?

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The child is there playing on the computer

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now the child becomes the target of anger

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How long have I been telling you to study

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and yet you're still playing games?

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Instead of scolding with a level-5 anger

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the unresolved anger from the room

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now surpassing level 9 or 10

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is redirected towards the child

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In cases where anxiety is high

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this anger gets transferred by generation

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Here’s an example from a case I counseled

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This mother, as a child

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she envied a neighbor 
who played piano

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Watching the child play, she wanted to learn

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piano, but 
her family couldn’t afford it

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That left her with an unfulfilled desire

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She made up her mind to teach piano

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With dreams, she entered
her in competitions

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Unfortunately, she
had stage fright

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the girl couldn't overcome her anxiety

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and told her that 
she couldn’t do it

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Still, the mother, clinging to her hopes

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ended up seeking counseling

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The solution wasn’t to get the daughter

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to understand and continue learning piano

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Who should be learning piano here?

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It’s the mother who needs to learn

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The mother needs
to fulfill her needs

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Anxiety in one person

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often manifests within

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family relationships as a love triangle

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For instance, family relationship isn’t stable

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with the mother feeling anxious, angry

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and even depressed

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Since she can’t resolve her emotions

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she forms a fused relationship

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As this fused relationship develops

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the father finds another outlet

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Meanwhile the mother and child become

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increasingly enmeshed

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leading the child to develop

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a low level of 
self-differentiation

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When this son with 
low self-differentiation

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he’s likely to meet someone undifferentiated

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leading to a similar pattern

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Thus, as these relationships continue

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self-differentiation is 
passed down

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In our relationships with 
our family

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if our self-differentiation is low

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meaning the "self within me" 
is scattered

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and fragmented
and if we don’t cultivate

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a healthy, resilient self

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we’re bound to pass down 
these struggles

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Faced with this serious reality

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build a strong self in our generation

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Can be part of 
God’s purpose for us

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(Professor Chae
'What's with Family?')

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When life’s burdens and the need to part

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at the time we must stand alone

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bring on anxiety, what should we do?

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At that moment, pause and reflect

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Recognize that it’s okay
to feel anxious

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your legs may feel like they won’t move

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As you face the path you must walk alone

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allow yourself
your quivering heart

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and say, 'It’s okay to feel that way'

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To us who tremble with anxiety

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the Lord speaks

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"Do not fear, for I am with you"

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"do not be dismayed, for I am your God"

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"I will strengthen you and help you"

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"I will uphold you with my 
right hand"

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(Isa. 41:10) He speaks these words to us

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and before His voice

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may we find the strength

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and in our hesitant voice

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helping us to rise

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"May I stand as a healthy self 
within my family"

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(Professor Chae
'What's with Family?')