I worry about what others think of me
It’s difficult to share my opinions with others
I’m not sure what I want or what I like
These are things I often hear from clients
Expressing ourselves isn’t easy, right?
Today, we will look into
how we can protect ourselves
while respecting others with important skills
Let’s explore these techniques today
(Professor Chae 'What is Family?')
Hello, I’m Professor Chae Kyung-sun
In psychology, the agent who thinks, feels
expresses will, and takes action
is called the “self” or “ego"
Infants do not develop a sense of self
They can’t even distinguish themselves,
When you put lipstick on a baby
the baby doesn’t wipe their own face but
they go to wipe the face of the person
with lipstick in the reflection
children can’t yet see themselves,
so they recognize “the others"
especially their primary caregiver
Over time, this leads to observing
of the mother who is the 'other'
and the child starts to adjust
when a child tries to reach for something
they check their mother’s reaction
and if she's negative they won’t reach it
If her reaction's good they’ll go ahead
Thus, the mother become a reference point
Around 20 months to 36 months
they start recognizing
and expressing their emotions
There’s a scholar named Bowen
who said a major cause of mental issues
lies in “mother-child symbiosis"
This is when the family live as one unit
A child’s healthy growth means
experiencing separation,
This process of separation is essential for
health, development, growth, and maturity
During this process, from the womb
to separation and independence,
one emotion inevitably felt is
what we call anxiety
Separation naturally brings anxiety
In life, managing this anxiety
becomes a key factor in determining
one’s psychological well-being
It becomes a key factor
The internal agent that can manage anxiety
is the self
For a healthy self to form
there’s an essential foundation
Heinz Kohut, the psychologist
who developed self-psychology said
that for a person to develop strong self
two experiences are necessary
The first experience, he explains
is to feel cherished
It’s the experience of, one-on-one,
being the center of the world
of feeling like the center of the universe
The world and time revolves around me,
and the gazes are focused. Through this,
understanding that I am a important person
and the universe can take root
Along with this cherished experience
there’s another essential element:
experiencing appropriate frustration
With appropriate frustration, the child
like calluses that form over time
learn humility through failure
and reinforcing the self through setbacks
Through these, the self becomes stronger
But if, instead of appropriate frustration
one faces excessive, sudden frustration
or encounters failure without support
they may experience deep anxiety
and independence and being alone
This can lead to intense frustration
When frustration is handled appropriately
it leads to a 'self-differentiation'
This concept of being with others
characterizes a highly differentiated self
with some notable traits
People with high self-differentiation can separate their emotions
It means that they aren't overly emotional
Experiencing emotions is natural
They might feel anger
or disappointment
but if they become overly emotional
they have a low self-differentiation
Another trait is the ability to maintain
clear boundaries between others
If someone constantly offloading
their emotions onto others
or absorbing others’ emotions
as if they were their own
then they are said low self-differentiation
(Professor Chae 'What is Family?')
Let's say a couple has a conflict
After arguing in the room, they come out,
and who happens to be in the living room?
The child is there playing on the computer
now the child becomes the target of anger
How long have I been telling you to study
and yet you're still playing games?
Instead of scolding with a level-5 anger
the unresolved anger from the room
now surpassing level 9 or 10
is redirected towards the child
In cases where anxiety is high
this anger gets transferred by generation
Here’s an example from a case I counseled
This mother, as a child
she envied a neighbor who played piano
Watching the child play, she wanted to learn
piano, but her family couldn’t afford it
That left her with an unfulfilled desire
She made up her mind to teach piano
With dreams, she entered her in competitions
Unfortunately, she had stage fright
the girl couldn't overcome her anxiety
and told her that she couldn’t do it
Still, the mother, clinging to her hopes
ended up seeking counseling
The solution wasn’t to get the daughter
to understand and continue learning piano
Who should be learning piano here?
It’s the mother who needs to learn
The mother needs to fulfill her needs
Anxiety in one person
often manifests within
family relationships as a love triangle
For instance, family relationship isn’t stable
with the mother feeling anxious, angry
and even depressed
Since she can’t resolve her emotions
she forms a fused relationship
As this fused relationship develops
the father finds another outlet
Meanwhile the mother and child become
increasingly enmeshed
leading the child to develop
a low level of self-differentiation
When this son with low self-differentiation
he’s likely to meet someone undifferentiated
leading to a similar pattern
Thus, as these relationships continue
self-differentiation is passed down
In our relationships with our family
if our self-differentiation is low
meaning the "self within me" is scattered
and fragmented and if we don’t cultivate
a healthy, resilient self
we’re bound to pass down these struggles
Faced with this serious reality
build a strong self in our generation
Can be part of God’s purpose for us
(Professor Chae 'What's with Family?')
When life’s burdens and the need to part
at the time we must stand alone
bring on anxiety, what should we do?
At that moment, pause and reflect
Recognize that it’s okay to feel anxious
your legs may feel like they won’t move
As you face the path you must walk alone
allow yourself your quivering heart
and say, 'It’s okay to feel that way'
To us who tremble with anxiety
the Lord speaks
"Do not fear, for I am with you"
"do not be dismayed, for I am your God"
"I will strengthen you and help you"
"I will uphold you with my right hand"
(Isa. 41:10) He speaks these words to us
and before His voice
may we find the strength
and in our hesitant voice
helping us to rise
"May I stand as a healthy self within my family"
(Professor Chae 'What's with Family?')