One day, some hedgehogs hugged each other
But as they hugged
because of their sharp spines,
they stabbed each other
So they separated again
But once apart, they started to feel cold
From this hedgehog fable, we learn about
how to be together yet alone
and how to be alone yet together
exploring the appropriate distance in family love
Professor Chae 'What is Family?'
Good to see you
I'm Chae Kyung-sun professor
Erikson developed psychological
development stages He explained that
from ages 0 to 1, essential concept is trust
Understanding if the people they meet are trustworthy
Whether they will trust them or not
If distrust emerges at this it becomes
a belief like "I'll only believe what I see"
After this, between 2 and 3, the key task
is autonomy For children aged 2 to 4,
there's a crucial developmental task
that mothers must guide them through
It’s toilet training
Once they’re toilet trained
mothers feel at ease
They’re ready to send them to the military
This step of toilet training carries
an important meaning finally,
I can control and regulate my own body
After that, comes the concept of initiative
Initiative means
that, in the world of "me"
they begin to extend into a broader world
They start exploring and adventuring
'The world is vast, and there’s much to do'
This is why kids aged 4 to 6
often say things like "Me" or "No"
Why? Because they begin to understand
themselves within the broad world
and 'notice the surrounding world' as well
Elementary school, diligence vs. inferiority
Diligence, working hard together
can be twisted by comparison with others
becoming a tool for oppression and control
which then turns into a force
The concept of togetherness here
can sometimes lead to inferiority
And then, as they enter adolescence
they begin to establish their own identity
They develop in psychological growth
Now, as I talk about these stages today
there are various ways to view this
but today, I want to focus on
the concept of boundaries
Invisible boundaries hold an important meaning
"There is a boundary between you and me"
"You and I are different,"
"There is a distance between us"
"you being there and me being here"
Imagine if in this studio
I suddenly ran towards the camera
What would happen?
Wouldn't the producer be quite shocked?
Right?
They’d be startled and surprised
Why?
Because we have these invisible boundaries
and when we stay within them, we feel
a sense of 'psychological stability'
When I ask mothers raising kids
"What’s the best time of the day for you?"
They say When the baby is sleeping
That’s right Some might think,
'do you dislike the baby?' But no
It doesn’t mean they dislike the child
After spending the entire day
that moment when the baby sleeps
and the mother finally gets to be alone
helps them recharge the energy they spend
when dedicating time and effort to the kid
Speaking of boundaries,
I have three children It was right before
my first child started school both my husband
and I were studying so we had to live
together in just one room One day,
I saw that my eldest had put green tape
on one corner of the room
Inside that taped-off area, she’d placed
books she was reading, some tissues
and her towel and she told her siblings
"This is my room, so you guys
can’t come in here" That night,
I remember piling up several blankets
to make a little bed for her in that space
I told her, "This is your bed," and she curled up to sleep
in that area
Even a young child starts to recognize the need
for her own space With having our own time
we experience a sense of stability,
but the 'stability' space varies
How do we come to understand this?
The family involves coming together,
reuniting, and separating again
dependence and independence, Through this,
we can observe an invisible 'boundary'
This pattern can be seen in a child’s
relationship with their mother
Why does a kid step away from their mother
only to look back while to touch something
'Is Mom there or not?' If she is,
they continue exploring and then return
When they find that Mom is always there
the child gains the courage to venture
and also prepares to go off on their own
But if, the child finds Mom isn’t there
the child experiences a sense of betrayal
thinking, 'I’ll never let Mom leave again'
This is when a crucial concept
begins to form in our mind
which is called object constancy
Object constancy means
that the object will always be there
Mom will always be there
This also creates the foundation for trust
If this concept is not established
then one cannot trust what they cannot see
This makes it hard to grasp abstract concepts
like love, friendship or courage
tangible things
If trust breaks down in this way
it’s hard to believe in God as well
"Being together yet alone" means that
when this concept is established
we can find the courage and faith In family,
healthy boundary is being together, yet alone
and this is "clear boundaries"
In unhealthy families, there are two
chaotic boundaries and rigid boundaries
Chaotic boundaries mean that
one cannot be alone
A person’s invisible boundary is
is too thin to protect their space
making it easy to cross that boundary
In terms of family structure, this can look
like a family that lives all in one room
That can lead to breakdowns in family
In particular, a chaotic family environment
is in names and forms of address
When mothers call their children
or spouses, sometimes they say, "Hey"
Like, "Hey, why aren't you doing this"
But each of us has a unique name
When parents name their children they do so
placing certain dreams or wishes
for that child's life in the name itself
Even with this meaningful, unique name
the child is addressed casually,
so easily called “Hey"
And when it comes to addressing spouses
we should be mindful of how we call
Such forms are already breaking down
When we fail to give the space we need
monitoring each other's time closely,
constantly observing and correcting them
it shows an instability in our boundaries
Another aspect is rigid boundaries
In this case, the distance is too big
The wall is thick, so we don't notice each other
showing no interest, no communication
A family with no communication and no interest
what we call rigid boundaries
A family with clear boundaries, however
shows concern and has open communication
while also respecting uniqueness and value
This is a family with respected boundaries
In parent-child relationship theory,
one key concept is object relations theory
Parents are to maintain a safe attachment
to maintain a safe attachment,
the roles are containment and endurance
When a toddler is learning to walk
they may fall and
sometimes need their mother's help
Sometimes, the mother needs to stand still
waiting while the child rises on their own
dusting off until they are ready again
This is a skill of a mother's patience
In the same way, the Lord,
waits and endures with us
When we fail and find ourselves in tears
and come before the Lord,
He does not reject us but embraces us
Lord’s patience teaches us the wisdom
a wisdom as we keep our eyes on the Lord