1
00:00:05.170 --> 00:00:10.177
One day, some hedgehogs hugged each other

2
00:00:10.177 --> 00:00:11.765
But as they hugged

3
00:00:11.765 --> 00:00:14.771
because of their sharp spines,

4
00:00:14.771 --> 00:00:17.007
they stabbed each other

5
00:00:17.007 --> 00:00:20.536
So they separated again

6
00:00:20.536 --> 00:00:25.199
But once apart, they started to feel cold

7
00:00:25.199 --> 00:00:29.655
From this hedgehog fable, we learn about

8
00:00:29.655 --> 00:00:32.228
how to be together yet alone

9
00:00:32.228 --> 00:00:35.338
and how to be alone yet together

10
00:00:35.338 --> 00:00:40.623
exploring the appropriate distance in family love

11
00:00:42.250 --> 00:00:45.264
Professor Chae 'What is Family?'

12
00:00:45.264 --> 00:00:46.537
Good to see you

13
00:00:46.537 --> 00:00:51.559
I'm Chae Kyung-sun professor

14
00:00:51.559 --> 00:00:59.030
Erikson developed psychological

15
00:00:59.030 --> 00:01:00.800
development stages
He explained that

16
00:01:00.800 --> 00:01:08.486
from ages 0 to 1, essential 
concept is trust

17
00:01:08.486 --> 00:01:15.035
Understanding if the people 
they meet are trustworthy

18
00:01:15.035 --> 00:01:17.673
Whether they will trust them or not

19
00:01:17.673 --> 00:01:19.689
If distrust emerges
at this it becomes

20
00:01:19.689 --> 00:01:24.982
a belief like
"I'll only believe what I see"

21
00:01:24.982 --> 00:01:26.468
After this, between 2 and 3,
the key task

22
00:01:26.468 --> 00:01:33.175
is autonomy
For children aged 2 to 4,

23
00:01:34.127 --> 00:01:37.595
there's a crucial developmental task

24
00:01:37.595 --> 00:01:42.613
that mothers must guide them through

25
00:01:42.613 --> 00:01:44.432
It’s toilet training

26
00:01:44.432 --> 00:01:45.800
Once they’re toilet trained

27
00:01:45.800 --> 00:01:47.513
mothers feel at ease

28
00:01:47.513 --> 00:01:49.127
They’re ready to send them to the military

29
00:01:49.128 --> 00:01:52.081
This step of toilet training carries

30
00:01:52.081 --> 00:01:53.722
an important meaning
finally,

31
00:01:53.722 --> 00:02:01.016
I can control and regulate my own body

32
00:02:01.016 --> 00:02:04.466
After that, comes the concept of initiative

33
00:02:04.466 --> 00:02:05.968
Initiative means

34
00:02:05.968 --> 00:02:08.017
that, in the world of "me"

35
00:02:08.017 --> 00:02:11.902
they begin to extend
into a broader world

36
00:02:11.902 --> 00:02:15.900
They start exploring and 
adventuring

37
00:02:15.900 --> 00:02:21.640
'The world is vast, 
and there’s much to do'

38
00:02:21.640 --> 00:02:25.872
This is why kids aged 4 to 6

39
00:02:25.872 --> 00:02:29.009
often say things like
"Me" or "No"

40
00:02:29.009 --> 00:02:29.569
Why?
Because they begin to understand

41
00:02:29.569 --> 00:02:33.879
themselves within the broad world

42
00:02:33.879 --> 00:02:38.125
and 'notice the surrounding world' as well

43
00:02:38.126 --> 00:02:41.953
Elementary school, 
diligence vs. inferiority

44
00:02:41.953 --> 00:02:46.221
Diligence, 
working hard together

45
00:02:46.221 --> 00:02:48.994
can be twisted by comparison with others

46
00:02:48.994 --> 00:02:51.911
becoming a tool for oppression and control

47
00:02:51.911 --> 00:02:54.295
which then turns into a force

48
00:02:54.296 --> 00:02:56.802
The concept of togetherness here

49
00:02:56.802 --> 00:03:00.620
can sometimes lead 
to inferiority

50
00:03:00.620 --> 00:03:03.546
And then, as they enter adolescence

51
00:03:03.546 --> 00:03:07.722
they begin to establish their own identity

52
00:03:07.723 --> 00:03:16.253
They develop
 in psychological growth

53
00:03:16.254 --> 00:03:20.308
Now, as I talk about these stages today

54
00:03:20.308 --> 00:03:23.254
there are various ways 
to view this

55
00:03:23.255 --> 00:03:25.759
but today, I want to focus on

56
00:03:25.759 --> 00:03:31.152
the concept of boundaries

57
00:03:31.152 --> 00:03:35.928
Invisible boundaries
hold an important meaning

58
00:03:35.928 --> 00:03:39.727
"There is a boundary 
between you and me"

59
00:03:39.727 --> 00:03:44.719
"You and I are different,"

60
00:03:44.719 --> 00:03:48.154
"There is a distance between us"

61
00:03:48.154 --> 00:03:50.530
"you being there and me being here"

62
00:03:50.530 --> 00:03:53.609
Imagine if in this studio

63
00:03:53.609 --> 00:03:56.450
I suddenly ran towards the camera

64
00:03:56.450 --> 00:03:57.518
What would happen?

65
00:03:57.518 --> 00:03:59.446
Wouldn't the producer be quite shocked?

66
00:03:59.446 --> 00:03:59.960
Right?

67
00:03:59.960 --> 00:04:01.873
They’d be startled and surprised

68
00:04:01.873 --> 00:04:02.906
Why?

69
00:04:02.906 --> 00:04:05.828
Because we have these invisible boundaries

70
00:04:05.828 --> 00:04:09.983
and when we stay within them, we feel

71
00:04:09.983 --> 00:04:13.125
a sense of 'psychological stability'

72
00:04:13.126 --> 00:04:18.783
When I ask mothers 
raising kids

73
00:04:18.783 --> 00:04:23.969
"What’s the best time of the day for you?"

74
00:04:23.969 --> 00:04:25.282
They say
When the baby is sleeping

75
00:04:25.282 --> 00:04:26.019
That’s right
Some might think,

76
00:04:26.019 --> 00:04:30.600
'do you dislike the baby?'
But no

77
00:04:30.601 --> 00:04:34.480
It doesn’t mean they 
dislike the child

78
00:04:34.480 --> 00:04:38.149
After spending the entire day

79
00:04:38.150 --> 00:04:41.834
that moment when the baby sleeps

80
00:04:41.834 --> 00:04:44.363
and the mother finally gets to be alone

81
00:04:44.364 --> 00:04:47.888
helps them recharge the energy they spend

82
00:04:47.888 --> 00:04:52.286
when dedicating time
and effort to the kid

83
00:04:52.286 --> 00:04:58.628
Speaking of boundaries,

84
00:04:58.628 --> 00:05:00.891
I have three children
It was right before

85
00:05:00.891 --> 00:05:03.673
my first child started school
both my husband

86
00:05:03.674 --> 00:05:07.795
and I were studying
so we had to live

87
00:05:07.795 --> 00:05:14.218
together in just one room
One day,

88
00:05:14.218 --> 00:05:18.673
I saw that my eldest
had put green tape

89
00:05:18.673 --> 00:05:24.217
on one corner of the room

90
00:05:24.217 --> 00:05:28.149
Inside that taped-off area, she’d placed

91
00:05:28.149 --> 00:05:31.021
books she was reading, 
some tissues

92
00:05:31.021 --> 00:05:34.372
and her towel
and she told her siblings

93
00:05:34.373 --> 00:05:35.899
"This is my room, 
so you guys

94
00:05:35.899 --> 00:05:42.695
can’t come in here"
That night,

95
00:05:42.695 --> 00:05:46.567
I remember piling up
several blankets

96
00:05:46.567 --> 00:05:48.876
to make a little bed for her 
in that space

97
00:05:48.876 --> 00:05:52.120
I told her, "This is your bed," 
and she curled up to sleep

98
00:05:52.120 --> 00:05:56.371
and she curled up to sleep
in that area

99
00:05:56.371 --> 00:06:03.145
Even a young child starts 
to recognize the need

100
00:06:07.879 --> 00:06:09.777
for her own space
With having our own time

101
00:06:09.777 --> 00:06:13.586
we experience a sense of stability,

102
00:06:13.586 --> 00:06:19.318
but the 'stability' space varies

103
00:06:19.319 --> 00:06:21.293
How do we come to understand this?

104
00:06:21.293 --> 00:06:22.868
The family involves
 coming together,

105
00:06:22.868 --> 00:06:27.425
reuniting, and separating again

106
00:06:27.425 --> 00:06:33.913
dependence and independence,
Through this,

107
00:06:33.913 --> 00:06:40.233
we can observe an 
invisible 'boundary'

108
00:06:40.234 --> 00:06:45.216
This pattern can be seen in a child’s

109
00:06:45.216 --> 00:06:50.575
relationship with their mother

110
00:06:50.575 --> 00:06:53.888
Why does a kid step away from their mother

111
00:06:53.888 --> 00:06:57.408
only to look back while 
to touch something

112
00:06:57.408 --> 00:07:00.767
'Is Mom there or not?'
If she is,

113
00:07:00.767 --> 00:07:04.447
they continue exploring
and then return

114
00:07:04.447 --> 00:07:08.191
When they find that Mom is 
always there

115
00:07:08.191 --> 00:07:11.768
the child gains the courage 
to venture

116
00:07:11.768 --> 00:07:14.721
and also prepares to go off on their own

117
00:07:14.721 --> 00:07:19.025
But if, the child finds
Mom isn’t there

118
00:07:19.025 --> 00:07:21.302
the child experiences a sense of betrayal

119
00:07:21.302 --> 00:07:27.063
thinking, 'I’ll never let Mom leave again'

120
00:07:27.063 --> 00:07:30.063
This is when a crucial concept

121
00:07:30.063 --> 00:07:33.206
begins to form in our mind

122
00:07:33.206 --> 00:07:36.941
which is called object constancy

123
00:07:36.941 --> 00:07:39.130
Object constancy means

124
00:07:39.130 --> 00:07:43.173
that the object will always be there

125
00:07:43.173 --> 00:07:50.091
Mom will always be there

126
00:07:50.091 --> 00:07:54.969
This also creates the
foundation for trust

127
00:07:54.969 --> 00:07:59.407
If this concept
is not established

128
00:07:59.408 --> 00:08:01.779
then one cannot trust what they cannot see

129
00:08:01.779 --> 00:08:04.537
This makes it hard to grasp 
abstract concepts

130
00:08:04.537 --> 00:08:09.502
like love,
friendship or courage

131
00:08:09.502 --> 00:08:14.655
tangible things

132
00:08:14.656 --> 00:08:16.977
If trust breaks down in this way

133
00:08:16.977 --> 00:08:23.512
it’s hard to believe in 
God as well

134
00:08:23.512 --> 00:08:26.705
"Being together yet alone" means that

135
00:08:26.705 --> 00:08:34.394
when this concept is established

136
00:08:34.395 --> 00:08:40.278
we can find the courage and faith
In family,

137
00:08:40.278 --> 00:08:48.015
healthy boundary
is being together, yet alone

138
00:08:48.015 --> 00:08:53.354
and this is "clear boundaries"

139
00:08:53.354 --> 00:08:59.828
In unhealthy families,
there are two

140
00:08:59.828 --> 00:09:05.013
chaotic boundaries
and rigid boundaries

141
00:09:05.013 --> 00:09:09.133
Chaotic boundaries mean that

142
00:09:09.133 --> 00:09:10.782
one cannot be alone

143
00:09:10.782 --> 00:09:13.677
A person’s invisible boundary is

144
00:09:13.677 --> 00:09:17.500
is too thin 
to protect their space

145
00:09:17.500 --> 00:09:21.801
making it easy to cross that boundary

146
00:09:21.802 --> 00:09:23.896
In terms of family structure,
this can look

147
00:09:23.896 --> 00:09:28.734
like a family that lives 
all in one room

148
00:09:28.735 --> 00:09:37.450
That can lead to 
breakdowns in family

149
00:09:37.450 --> 00:09:42.779
 In particular,
a chaotic family environment

150
00:09:42.779 --> 00:09:45.807
is in names and forms of address

151
00:09:45.807 --> 00:09:49.290
When mothers call their children

152
00:09:49.290 --> 00:09:51.350
or spouses, sometimes 
they say, "Hey"

153
00:09:51.350 --> 00:09:54.029
Like, "Hey, why aren't you doing this"

154
00:09:54.029 --> 00:09:58.347
But each of us has a unique name

155
00:09:59.026 --> 00:10:01.226
When parents name their children
they do so

156
00:10:01.226 --> 00:10:03.393
placing certain dreams or wishes

157
00:10:03.393 --> 00:10:06.055
for that child's life in the name itself

158
00:10:06.055 --> 00:10:11.134
Even with this meaningful, unique name

159
00:10:11.134 --> 00:10:14.913
the child is addressed casually,

160
00:10:14.913 --> 00:10:17.972
so easily called “Hey"

161
00:10:17.972 --> 00:10:21.144
And when it comes to addressing spouses

162
00:10:21.144 --> 00:10:24.742
we should be mindful of how we call

163
00:10:24.742 --> 00:10:30.024
Such forms are already 
breaking down

164
00:10:30.024 --> 00:10:32.829
When we fail to give
the space we need

165
00:10:32.829 --> 00:10:35.382
monitoring each other's time 
closely,

166
00:10:35.382 --> 00:10:42.578
constantly observing and correcting them

167
00:10:42.579 --> 00:10:47.174
it shows an instability in our boundaries

168
00:10:47.174 --> 00:10:53.233
Another aspect
 is rigid boundaries

169
00:10:53.233 --> 00:10:58.890
In this case, 
the distance is too big

170
00:10:58.891 --> 00:11:06.310
The wall is thick, 
so we don't notice each other

171
00:11:06.310 --> 00:11:13.295
showing no interest,
no communication

172
00:11:13.295 --> 00:11:17.289
A family with no communication
and no interest

173
00:11:17.289 --> 00:11:23.967
what we call 
rigid boundaries

174
00:11:23.967 --> 00:11:26.855
A family with clear boundaries, however

175
00:11:26.855 --> 00:11:33.303
shows concern and has 
open communication

176
00:11:33.304 --> 00:11:39.942
while also respecting
uniqueness and value

177
00:11:39.943 --> 00:11:47.766
This is a family with 
respected boundaries

178
00:11:53.164 --> 00:11:58.064
In parent-child relationship theory,

179
00:11:58.064 --> 00:12:00.977
one key concept
is object relations theory

180
00:12:00.978 --> 00:12:05.867
Parents are to maintain
a safe attachment

181
00:12:05.867 --> 00:12:10.566
to maintain a safe attachment,

182
00:12:10.566 --> 00:12:16.908
the roles are containment
and endurance

183
00:12:16.908 --> 00:12:19.597
When a toddler is learning to walk

184
00:12:19.597 --> 00:12:22.906
they may fall and

185
00:12:22.906 --> 00:12:26.027
sometimes need their mother's help

186
00:12:26.027 --> 00:12:28.542
Sometimes, the mother needs to stand still

187
00:12:28.542 --> 00:12:32.252
waiting while the child 
rises on their own

188
00:12:32.252 --> 00:12:36.060
dusting off until 
they are ready again

189
00:12:36.061 --> 00:12:40.294
This is a skill of a mother's patience

190
00:12:40.294 --> 00:12:42.175
In the same way, the Lord,

191
00:12:42.175 --> 00:12:48.338
waits and endures with us

192
00:12:48.338 --> 00:12:51.103
When we fail and find ourselves in tears

193
00:12:51.103 --> 00:12:53.052
and come before the Lord,

194
00:12:53.052 --> 00:12:58.806
He does not reject us but embraces us

195
00:12:58.807 --> 00:13:07.138
Lord’s patience teaches us the wisdom

196
00:13:07.139 --> 00:13:11.549
a wisdom as we keep
our eyes on the Lord