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One day I suddenly became the mother of an autistic child

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I used to think about useless things a lot

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But I never imagined that I would be the mother of an autistic child

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I sometimes watch mothers of an autistic child on TV

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I'm so embarrassed to think that I couldn't live like that when I saw it

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Now that I think about it, what would have I done once I grow up and had a child

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that wasn't healthy?

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Of course, I wasn't thinking deep about it

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But now, as Heesoo's mom, I'm so embarrassed about myself of thinking like that

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Before we got married, we were dreaming of being a DINK

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We didn't like kids

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And I didn't think I could take responsibility for anyone

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To bring another human being in this world

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And to raise them

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I thought it was even more out of place for me

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But I got pregnant a month after we got married

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Of course, I didn't even think about it

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And I wasn't ready for it

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So I was more puzzled than happy

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I've complained a lot, too

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I wanted to have more fun

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And I've never even thought about having a baby

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I don't know if it's because I didn't think it as a blessing

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I couldn't see a sign of the baby or hear the sound of the heartbeats


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I did blood tests every few days

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Eventually, I had a stomachache that made me faint and bleed

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The baby was placed in the ovary, not the uterus, so a surgery was needed

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It's a baby that I never thought of before

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But it was so hard to think that it didn't exist anymore

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I was sorry and heartbroken

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I cried a lot

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After that I wanted to have a baby

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Whether it's a feeling of guilt, or a sense of emptiness

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Or obsession

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Even if I tried so hard, I couldn't get pregnant for nearly two years

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So I went to the infertility hospital for the last time, and they said that natural pregnancy was difficult for me

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They said I needed IVF, so I refused it

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It was so hard to prepare for it the past two years

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I didn't want to try anything more

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And the month I gave up on everything

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Heesoo came to us like a gift and hope

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Even though it was so hard to meet

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Pregnancy and parenting was so hard

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It was my daily routine to complain of happiness

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A child's eye contact

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and hand gestures, I didn't know how grateful it was

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Heesoo ate well and grew up well

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He was always above average

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So even after giving birth

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I never thought that there would be something wrong with the child

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Around 17 months in, I started noticed that Heesoo stopped saying mom and dad

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It was too strange to just brush it off thinking because he was just upset from me working too much

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When we went to the university hospital at 31 months after the center we went from 21 months

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They said all they can do was the diagnosis of autism

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And we should take a medical certificate if we wanted to diagnose his disability

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Yes, that’s how I suddenly became a mom of a kid who has autism

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It didn’t feel real so I looked up about cases of complete recovery

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I read about people who say they no longer had autism because of the mom’s effort

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On the other hand, I looked up about people who grew up well with autism

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I thought it didn’t make sense

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He was doing so fine but why?

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I couldn’t believe that growing up well then regressing is a common pattern of autism

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I couldn’t understand he could no longer do what he could do

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I felt like my life ended

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The future that I was picturing was shattered

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Did I do something wrong?

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Can he be normal if he does his best from now on?

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How should I live from now on?

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What should I do?

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I thought I could no longer be happy

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My son who was so lovely yesterday, has autism now 

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I questioned the reality

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Even though I guessed about that and thought I accepted it, I felt that way

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I couldn’t even take pictures or film videos that I used to do whenever I had a chance

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I was full of thoughts about

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Taking his pictures when he becomes "normal" again

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When Heesoo did something, I was busy looking up about it rather celebrating with him

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I wished that he would stop that action

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They say kids get better when they start talking

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So I thought he would be better too if he starts talking

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But he started talking in a late age

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When he started talking, I accepted it

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I felt calm

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Heesoo had autism but he was my son

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Heesoo, a kid with autism, is so lovely and pretty

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He was still my everything

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I could still laugh and I was still happy because of Heesoo

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Because he was slow, every words and actions that others just pass by

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Felt more valuable and wonderful to me than any other thing

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The words I thought he couldn’t say

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And Heesoo looking for mom when he answers or interacts

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I am so happy looking at him

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Doing things I couldn’t even imagine when I just became a mom of a kid with autism

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I thought I could never be happy

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I thought I should live because I couldn’t die

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But in hindsight, it just becomes a part of me

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And a part of my life

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I lived on before

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I lived cherishing everyday without much greed, thinking being happy is enough

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Now, I’m even happier

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Unbelievably, Heesoo has made my life worth much more

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Seeing Heesoo changing because of me, I fell in love with myself more

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Heesoo's changes make me happier and more overwhelmed than anything else

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If someone is watching this video right now

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And if she's a mother who's just been diagnosed that the child is not like others

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The path we're standing on is like a cliff

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But when you step on it, it's a bit lower than the flat land

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Maybe we won't be able to go down the same path like others for the rest of our lives

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But on a path that no one else could have taken

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I want to tell you that you can feel another happiness

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I'm still a new mother of an autistic child

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So I can't tell you that we can be happy in the future

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But now my dream has changed

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After five or ten years from now, we'll be fine

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I'll do my best to tell you that

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I suddenly became the mother of an autistic child

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And I'm still happy