One day I suddenly became the mother of an autistic child
I used to think about useless things a lot
But I never imagined that I would be the mother of an autistic child
I sometimes watch mothers of an autistic child on TV
I'm so embarrassed to think that I couldn't live like that when I saw it
Now that I think about it, what would have I done once I grow up and had a child
that wasn't healthy?
Of course, I wasn't thinking deep about it
But now, as Heesoo's mom, I'm so embarrassed about myself of thinking like that
Before we got married, we were dreaming of being a DINK
We didn't like kids
And I didn't think I could take responsibility for anyone
To bring another human being in this world
And to raise them
I thought it was even more out of place for me
But I got pregnant a month after we got married
Of course, I didn't even think about it
And I wasn't ready for it
So I was more puzzled than happy
I've complained a lot, too
I wanted to have more fun
And I've never even thought about having a baby
I don't know if it's because I didn't think it as a blessing
I couldn't see a sign of the baby or hear the sound of the heartbeats
I did blood tests every few days
Eventually, I had a stomachache that made me faint and bleed
The baby was placed in the ovary, not the uterus, so a surgery was needed
It's a baby that I never thought of before
But it was so hard to think that it didn't exist anymore
I was sorry and heartbroken
I cried a lot
After that I wanted to have a baby
Whether it's a feeling of guilt, or a sense of emptiness
Or obsession
Even if I tried so hard, I couldn't get pregnant for nearly two years
So I went to the infertility hospital for the last time, and they said that natural pregnancy was difficult for me
They said I needed IVF, so I refused it
It was so hard to prepare for it the past two years
I didn't want to try anything more
And the month I gave up on everything
Heesoo came to us like a gift and hope
Even though it was so hard to meet
Pregnancy and parenting was so hard
It was my daily routine to complain of happiness
A child's eye contact
and hand gestures, I didn't know how grateful it was
Heesoo ate well and grew up well
He was always above average
So even after giving birth
I never thought that there would be something wrong with the child
Around 17 months in, I started noticed that Heesoo stopped saying mom and dad
It was too strange to just brush it off thinking because he was just upset from me working too much
When we went to the university hospital at 31 months after the center we went from 21 months
They said all they can do was the diagnosis of autism
And we should take a medical certificate if we wanted to diagnose his disability
Yes, that’s how I suddenly became a mom of a kid who has autism
It didn’t feel real so I looked up about cases of complete recovery
I read about people who say they no longer had autism because of the mom’s effort
On the other hand, I looked up about people who grew up well with autism
I thought it didn’t make sense
He was doing so fine but why?
I couldn’t believe that growing up well then regressing is a common pattern of autism
I couldn’t understand he could no longer do what he could do
I felt like my life ended
The future that I was picturing was shattered
Did I do something wrong?
Can he be normal if he does his best from now on?
How should I live from now on?
What should I do?
I thought I could no longer be happy
My son who was so lovely yesterday, has autism now
I questioned the reality
Even though I guessed about that and thought I accepted it, I felt that way
I couldn’t even take pictures or film videos that I used to do whenever I had a chance
I was full of thoughts about
Taking his pictures when he becomes "normal" again
When Heesoo did something, I was busy looking up about it rather celebrating with him
I wished that he would stop that action
They say kids get better when they start talking
So I thought he would be better too if he starts talking
But he started talking in a late age
When he started talking, I accepted it
I felt calm
Heesoo had autism but he was my son
Heesoo, a kid with autism, is so lovely and pretty
He was still my everything
I could still laugh and I was still happy because of Heesoo
Because he was slow, every words and actions that others just pass by
Felt more valuable and wonderful to me than any other thing
The words I thought he couldn’t say
And Heesoo looking for mom when he answers or interacts
I am so happy looking at him
Doing things I couldn’t even imagine when I just became a mom of a kid with autism
I thought I could never be happy
I thought I should live because I couldn’t die
But in hindsight, it just becomes a part of me
And a part of my life
I lived on before
I lived cherishing everyday without much greed, thinking being happy is enough
Now, I’m even happier
Unbelievably, Heesoo has made my life worth much more
Seeing Heesoo changing because of me, I fell in love with myself more
Heesoo's changes make me happier and more overwhelmed than anything else
If someone is watching this video right now
And if she's a mother who's just been diagnosed that the child is not like others
The path we're standing on is like a cliff
But when you step on it, it's a bit lower than the flat land
Maybe we won't be able to go down the same path like others for the rest of our lives
But on a path that no one else could have taken
I want to tell you that you can feel another happiness
I'm still a new mother of an autistic child
So I can't tell you that we can be happy in the future
But now my dream has changed
After five or ten years from now, we'll be fine
I'll do my best to tell you that
I suddenly became the mother of an autistic child
And I'm still happy